"Come on Carrie, we've talked about this already. I know that both you and Shan still have feelings for each other, that much is painfully obvious. And I've kept my mouth shut about it since I'm partially to blame for you being with him in the first place." He ran his fingers through his long hair and turned away from me. Our morning of unexpected romance quickly shifted to the most uncomfortable subject ever, one I had been dodging for a long time now. "Christ, let's just get it all out in the open." Sitting on the arm of the couch, he stared at the floor. The look on his face alone broke my heart. "I gotta tell you, just knowing that he pops in whenever he feels like it, kind of bothers me. I'm usually not a jealous person, but I do NOT want to share you, ever again. All it does is complicate shit and I won't risk losing you. We've gotten closer than ever and I just can't stand the idea of ANYONE else touching you. Call me selfish, but you're mine, and I want it to stay that way, forever. There, I finally fucking said it." His shoulders slumped and he let out a deep sigh, allowing his eyes to meet mine.
"You're not selfish at all and I'm glad you feel this way, because I don't want to be with anyone else either. That being said, the last thing I want to do is lie to you, Jared. You're everything to me, and I would rather die than to ever intentionally hurt you, but I have to be honest, you're right, I do still care very much for Shannon." I took a deep breath, fighting to keep myself from crying. "But how do you unlove someone? If you know, then please tell me because I've tried so hard to do it. I just can't. I don't want to be with him, it's important you understand that, but I do care deeply about him." I chuckled, wiping away a single teardrop. "And I feel like such a bitch for not telling you all of this sooner. You've been so perfect, stepping up and holding my hand through all of the bullshit I've been going through, not just with Kim, but with Shannon too." Even when I was hurting so badly and lashed out at him, he never left my side. I let out a shaky breath. "I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that. I knew you still had feelings for him and I can't be mad about it. It wouldn't be fair, you know? And to answer your question you can't control who you love. You don't love someone one day and not give a fuck about them the next, love doesn't work that way. But there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I can live with the fact that you love him, but it would kill me if you said you are in love with him."
"I love him as a person."
"Good. I would be concerned if you didn't." He stood up and walked over to me, cupping my face in his hands. "But how shitty is it for me to ask that you not be alone with him? It's not that I don't trust you, I'm more concerned about what he might do." He smiled, "yeah, I know I've got serious jealousy issues, but our circumstances are a little different from other people."
Pressing his forehead against mine, his hands slid down my back and he smiled when I responded. "I understand." I felt my cheeks flush hot when his lips brushed mine. "I love you."
He kissed my lips and whispered, "I love you too, but I'm fucking starving." Placing a last kiss to my nose, he released me. "I couldn't eat earlier so I'm dying right now."
It had been a long morning, full of drama, sex and confessions, and it wasn't over yet. With Colton coming over later, I was sure I'd be needing a stiff drink before the end of the night. "Black bean burgers with avocado okay with you?"
"Perfect."
"Awesome, wanna help me?"
Placing his hand on his chest, he tilted his head to the side. "I'm truly touched that after that incident on the bus you still trust me in your kitchen."
I giggled, thinking back to how he nearly started a fire with the simple strike of a match. Opening the cabinet, I pulled out two plates and set them down on the countertop. "Relax pyromaniac, I'm gonna cook the burgers and you're gonna slice the avocado, lettuce and tomato."
"A little dramatic, don't ya think? One incident hardly qualifies me for the title of pyromaniac," he said, side-eying me as he shoved a piece of avocado into his mouth. And just like that we were completely back to normal. It's nice to have a relationship with someone that isn't so judgmental. Growing up, George and Marilyn were the total opposite, fighting over the dumbest shit ever, when they were actually home that is. I was stuck with Kim most of the time and I can't complain about it. She was good to me when I was younger.
"I'm sorry, you're right. Maybe I'm being a little harsh. Thanks to the quick thinking of Emma, only an oven mitt perished that day. It could've been so much worse." I drizzled a little olive oil into the frying pan and opened the refrigerator. The burgers I prepared last night were seasoned and formed, all I had to do was cook them.
"You're awfully sarcastic all of a sudden, Miss Thomas."
"Somebody's gotta put you in your place." A few minutes later, I dropped two patties into the pan, smiling at the sizzling sounds they made. As I reached for the package of hamburger buns, I jumped when he smacked my bottom. Opening the bag I took out two, placing one on each plate.
Ten minutes later, we were seated on the couch, watching an old rerun of Married With Children. The burgers were delicious and I was glad I froze the remaining patties for another time. I made an attempt to stay focused on the show, but the fact that I return to work while Jared leaves tomorrow made it difficult.
The playful banter continued throughout the afternoon, but the closer it got to six, the more uneasy I became. I didn't want to deal with Colton anymore, but for some reason he wants us to form some kind of friendship. I was seated on the couch with my hair in a bun when the knock on the door finally came. Jared stood up and held his hand out to help me up. He led me to the door, opening it up and inconspicuously shot me an eye roll. "Hi Colton."
Colton was impeccably dressed and held out a bouquet of red roses in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. "Good evening. Carrie you look stunning, as usual. Jared, it's good to see you again." He held the flowers out and granted me one of his million dollar smiles. "These are for you."
I just stared at him like he had three heads. "What's this about, Colton?"
His eyes roamed from Jared to me and then down at himself. "Oh... this isn't... I'm not here to try and romance you or anything. I just wanted to show my appreciation for what you did with Lola, that's all."
"A simple thank you would've been fine," I said matter of factly. I knew I was being cold, but after having to suck it up for Lola, and after the initial shock of seeing him for the first time in years had passed, all of that resentment stirred up again.
"You don't understand. I can't tell you enough how much I really appreciate you allowing me to come here to meet Lola. She's a beautiful girl, and she turned out perfect, no thanks to me. Look, I'm sorry for walking away when you needed me the most. I know It was wrong. I should have accepted responsibility and taken care of you both. Perhaps one day you can forgive me."
Rolling my eyes, I did nothing to hide my annoyance with his apology. "Sure." Too little, too late buddy.
Licking over his lips, he stared down at the floor. "Shit. I'm sorry. Maybe I should just go. I just thought that we could move past it at some point you know, for Lola."
Son of a bitch! Is he really using our daughter to make me feel guilty? Biting the inside of my cheek so hard I could taste blood, I rolled my eyes. "No, come in." I stepped back, holding the door open. Stupid fucking conscious!
I watched his lips curl slightly upward as he entered my apartment. "I appreciate that, Tish. Where should I put these?" He asked, holding out the beautiful bouquet. I can think of a few places. And I fucking hate that nickname!
Hesitantly, I took the flowers and the wine and walked into the kitchen, quietly listening to Colton compliment Jared on one of his tattoos. I just wanted to drink a glass of wine as fast as I could and get Colton out of here. Unfortunately, when I made my way back to the front of the apartment, I noticed that he had made himself at home on my couch.
