Wait until the music's over

21. The whiskered, the slacker and the ninja spies

"Don't worry, mom, I told you it's nothing serious, I'll be back at work tomorrow"

"If it's nothing serious, then why didn't you tell me?"

I didn't tell her and I shouldn't have told her at all. I know her, right? I wish my dad had answered the phone, I'd rather deal with him and his jokes about my presumed boyfriends than with mom's reprimands. She's not less interested in my love life, but when she knows I'm somehow not ok her apprehensive mothering woman's nature gets the better of her and prevails over anything else.

"Because I didn't want you to worry for no reason, like you're doing now, it's a stupid little nothing"

"If it's a stupid little nothing, then why are you telling me now?" asks the world's champ in turning tables in an argument.

"'Cause I'll be home at Christmas and I thought that you'd notice my bruise and start making questions and surely get angrier once you knew, am I wrong?"

"Ok, you aren't wrong"

"Anyway, I'm fine, really, it was just a stupid insignificant tumble. I went to the hospital, I followed the doctor's prescripions, Meg hasn't let me do anything for days and now I'm completely recovered"

"Thank god Meg's with you, you would have gone back to work the following day, hobbling around at the diner with a walking stick"

"That's a great idea... I want a cool stick though, one of those rad ones with the chiseled silver handle"

"Angie"

"Or a pewter one, with a skull on it"

"Shut up"

"No, a dragon head!"

"I hope Stone has been cuddling with you a little these days" my mother giggles at the receiver. She really knows how to destroy my humor.

"Mom, I'm gonna tell you for the last time, and I hope you're recording this conversation for dad too: STONE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND"

"Yes, I know, he's a friend"

"Exactly"

"A special friend" Janis adds and there's nothing else I can do but rubbing my temple, taking a big breath and count to five before answering.

"No! He's a plain, simple, ordinary, boring friend, nothing more"

"There's nothing wrong in having a boyfriend, darling"

"I know"

"You're a young woman, it's natural, and I've always told you that you can talk to me about anything, also about these things"

Of course, when your mother is a gynecologist you can't escape discussions about these things, it's merely impossible. I wasn't five years old yet when I got my first illustrated sexual education book and in my family sex and relationships are considered like any other subject you can discuss at dinner. I'm not saying I envy those families in which the sole word sex is a taboo, but I think that a little sense of modesty and discretion is human. I mean, parents should mind their own fucking business a little.

"I know that but, really, Stone's nothing to talk about: he's not my boyfriend"

"Ok, I trust you"

"Thank god"

"Who's your boyfriend then?" my mother hits me with the definitive shot.

"Nobody"

"Haha sure"

"I don't know what to say. Nobody gives a shit about me, as usual, you shouldn't be surprised"

"I am surprised indeed. Anyway, you've got someone, admit it"