Falling in Love with our Memories (On Hold & Under Editing)

Feeling the Loss

         When I awoke my sight was blurred and yet it seemed so black also. I began to panic, I thought I had become blind. But I soon realized when my eyes started to adjust that it was only night time. As my breathing calmed down, I found myself getting into a coughing fit. It was so hard to breathe, and I felt lightheaded but at the same time I felt a deep dark weight on my chest, and I knew it wasn't an object. The need to suddenly cry to relieve the pressure and pain came over me and I did exactly that. The feeling was so overwhelming, and I felt so hopeless. Crying only made the feeling worse, it felt like I couldn't breathe. It only made me cry harder. I felt so alone I needed someone to hold onto.

As if someone had read my thoughts a pair of arms wrapped around me, they lifted me and hoisted me unto a lap. With that I knew it was Fredrick. Somehow, I started to cry even harder, I clung to him as tight as I could. "Cynthia are you ok, talk to me." Fredrick said whispering in my ear. I shook my head against his shoulder. "Cynthia I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong."

My throat felt very sore but I decided to try to tell him. It took me a couple moments before I was calmed down. The only thing I could murmur was "It hurts." Fredrick held me closer.

"Can you tell me what all hurts, is it physical, mental."

"It's both, physically my throat hurts, I feel weak and tired, nausea. I also feel this emptiness in me, and it hurts so much it's like a weight on my chest that's holding me down and making it hard to breathe. It's a feeling of sadness, anger, guilt all towards myself. It hurts so bad it's so overwhelming and I don't know how to cope with it I feel as if I'm going insane and no one can help me. It's such a new feeling and I'm scared help me. I just don't..." By the end I didn't know what I was saying and I was crying so hard I couldn't continue.

Fredrick hugged me, letting me lean my head unto his chest. "I can't even imagine Cynthia, I'm here for you let it all out. Just know none of this was your fault you couldn't of done anything different you did what you thought was right and you tried your best. You only could do so much and right now your mother's flying with the angels up in heaven. She's no longer in pain and she's watching over you right now probably feeling so grateful for everything you did."

"But she wouldn't have to be flying with the angels right now. She wouldn't of have to been in that much pain if I could've just saved her. I failed her and me."

"Cynthia no, you didn't fail anyone you did everything you could we aren't all strong like God. God had a reason for this he has a reason for everything. Trust me Cynthia she's up with God in heaven and she's in peace."

"I don't want her up in heaven. I know it sounds selfish but I want her here with me. I need a parent figure and I didn't get to make up the time I lost with her over my childish anger."

"You had your reasons Cynthia and she understands. Your mother wouldn't want you to ponder on this. I'm going to help you push forward."

The next couple minutes were spent in silent in each other embrace. I finally broke the silence "How long have I been sleeping."

"For a little more than 24 hours. The doctor came in to check on you. The good news is he check you and he doesn't think your scarlet fever is going to be the death of you. Your immune system was able to fight it off enough so that it wasn't to critical. On top of that your dehydrated and exhausted. You're lucky God's on your side normally this would kill someone."

"I almost don't want to live right now. The pain I'm feeling right now I just want my mother back. I want to redo it all. I wish I never would've left her for having an affair. I abandoned her in a time of need. It's not just my mother it's also my dad I could've done more to try to save him. What am I without them? It was different when I left them because I always knew that they were still here, now both of them are gone and I feel it's all my fault."