The Guilt Consumes

Chapter 15

I enter my house and see dad sitting on the dining chair with mountains of paper work. He runs his own estate agency so, he's up to his neck with work. I shut the door and it makes a loud click sound. Dad looks up and smiles at me. I sigh and put my ego to the side and smile back. I need to resolve my issues with him. I have to. He's my dad.

I walk towards him and take a seat adjacent to him. I fold my arms on the table and look straight in front of me. I let out a struggled breath and say the words I wasn't planning to say anytime soon.

"I'm sorry dad" I look to my right and see dad just staring at me. Emotions running wild in his eyes and on his face. I smile at him and he returns the smile back at me.

"What are you sorry for?" He asks me and I shrug. He laughs and takes my hand in his. "Honey? You have nothing to apologise for. I'm the one who should. I kept this secret from you when I should have told you as soon as you were mature enough to handle it and that was at an early age. You were very mature for your age at just nine years old." He laughs and shakes his head looking down. Probably remembering all our memories when I was nine. I break the silence with the screeching from my chair.

"I-I'm going to go and visit Jackson. I came to drop off my bag." His face morphs into realisation of what day it is.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?" i tightly smile at him and nod my head.

"I-it's okay. I feel okay. But I know I won't when I see him. I don't know what I'm going to say. What do I say?" He sighs and gets up, standing in front of me. He places his hands on my shoulders and squeezes them.

"It's okay to not know what to say. There's not a wrong nor right answer to anything. The most important thing is being there. It can be pretty nerve racking"

"But it shouldn't. I visit him and talk to him, it's fine then. Why is this time different?" I ask to myself rather than dad. Trying to figure out why I'm so nervous to go and visit him.

"Because today is the day when he died. It's hard because you can't accept it. It's eating you up knowing that you'll never see him again, or hear his voice. It's killing you inside to know that... that... you'll never have the future you both planned together. And my guess is you're scared. Scared to move on and plan a new future but you don't have to be. You don't have to be scared about the fact that he'll hate you for moving forward but in fact, he'll be ecstatic. He'll be happy for you. I bet you, that he's looking down at you now, and saying, 'wow, Blythe has turned into a strong, independent and beautiful young woman' " By the end my cheeks are soaking wet. I sniffle and wipe my eyes.

"I'm not strong. I never was." I whisper. Tears fall and I can't seem to stop them. "I hate my life dad. I hate it because, I'm living with the guilt that it was my fault. It was all my fault" I tell him honestly as I lose control of my emotions. I clutch on to him for dear life as he squashes me in between his arms. I cry and cry and let all the tears flow. The tears that have been trapped for so long. Longer than I could imagine. I pull away as he wipes my fallen tears. He kisses my head and I sigh in contentment.

"I love you dad" I tell him smiling brightly.

"I love you too honey, like-"

"It's indescribable" we say together. He nods and laughs.

"Yeah, exactly. Like it's indescribable." I smile wider and kiss both of his cheeks. I compose myself and straighten out my clothes.

"Okay, well I need to go and pick up the lilies" I tell him and sniff more. Dad hands me a tissue and I take it gratefully. I thank him and make my way towards the front door. I turn and face him to see him standing there, smiling widely.