The Guilt Consumes

Chapter 10

It still looks the same. Nothing has changed I see. The gate is still rusty and dirty with green vines wrapped around the handlebars. The small flowers are still in the corner blooming as beautiful as ever. The trees are still growing. The mood is still depressing. It always will be. It's a cemetery, nothing is happy about a cemetery. It's where still and lifeless bodies lay, covered under dirt and earth. It's where many loved ones now live. My loved one.

I step through the entrance and i feel my lungs closing up. My breathing is hollow and i feel the miniature hairs on my body stand on end. Each step i take, i feel the cold breeze blow past me and a shiver runs down my skin. I hear the whispers of the souls as they float around. Each step, each crunch, each breath, each gravestone: i can't seem to see straight. My feet takes me to the black marble gravestone which belongs to the life that's no more.

In loving memory of our beloved son, Jackson Hastings. Loved by many. He was a friend a lover, grandson and a son. You will never be forgotten. Forever in our hearts.

Tears brim my eyes as my fingers brush against his name. It's been two years, two years and i still can't seem to get over his death. He was my first, my first date, my first kiss, my first time and my first heartbreak. I know he never meant to break my heart when he died but he did and i have no one to blame but myself. It was all my fault, my fault that he had died and i can never forgive myself.

"hey, how are you? you can't answer that i know" i laugh under my breath. Tears fall one by one and i hear my heart shattering into a million pieces. "you know, it's been hard... living without you. I feel like i can still hear your voice telling me 'don't bother with your appearance, you look beautiful just the way you are' and then you'd end up singing Bruno Mars 'just the way you are'. I miss you, i miss us. I miss everything that we would do together and i miss everything about us. I miss the way you would tell me off for doing something stupid, i miss the way you would brush your hand through your hair when you're shy or nervous. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss seeing the way you would take a hold of my hand and kiss each knuckle and smile at the end of each kiss. I... I just miss you, all of you. I wish-- i just wish that night had never happened and i wish we had never gone to that stupid party. I just wish i could turn back the clock and stay at home with you cuddled by my side. I love you Jack and i'll never stop. You'll forever be in my heart. I feel like i can't move on because i can never hear you saying you forgive me or saying to stop apologising. I hate that you left me and i hate you for not fighting for your life but then i love you for saving me and for choosing me over yourself. But then i wish that the roles had reversed because it was my fault that you was in that situation and it was my fault that you'd lost your life and i'll never ever forgive myself. I won't." By this time, my cheeks are socking wet and my heart is hammering in my chest. I can feel it knocking at my ribs and the pain is excrutiating. I hate my life i just hate it. Living with this guilt kills me each and every day. It makes me feel like i'm not worth living and that i should just give up and end it all here. That i should just end my journey in this world because i can't live another minute with this guilt eating me whole.

I get up from my seat and touch my fingers to my lips, kissing it and then placing it over his name. I smile and turn to walk away. I exit the cemetery and feel the air filling my lungs once again. I feel like i can finally breath and think again. It always happens to me, every time i go and visit him i get these horrid images in my head and these horrid thoughts and it persuades me to take matters into my own hands. But once i'm out of there, i feel like i'm stupid and dumb for even thinking about it. I have a father and a brother to think of. What if i did kill myself, what would they do? they'd be hurt and they'd grieve in pain and sadness. I can't do that to them, that would be selfish of me, to put them through all of that. I look up to realise i'm near the local park. When did i even get here? i ask myself. In the distance, i see a figure leaning against the tree holding a book. I see the title and just about make it out. 'Romeo and Juliet'. I smile as i instantly think about Liam. I take a closer look at the person and it turns out that it's him. It's Liam. I begin to make my way through the park, towards him. He hasn't seen me yet as i sneak up behind him. I hover over him and place my hands over his eyes from behind.