Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 15

We got to McDonalds and I jut wanted something small for three reasons. Number one, I lost my appetite from crying so much today. Number two, I hate eating in front of people. And Number three, I'm still a nervous wreck from the kiss earlier. (I know its early in the story for them to kiss but just you wait)

"So, Y/n what do you want?" Phil asks.

"Y/m (your meal), " I respond.

"You sure? That's not a lot," Phil asks, knowing my usual appetite. (If you got something a bit larger as a meal, just go with it please. Thank you.)

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks Phil."

Phil gives me a smile and then looks back at Dan.

"What do you want Dan?"

"I'll have *** (his preference. I don't know what he likes at McDonalds). Thanks Phil. Y/n and I will get us a table."

"Okay."

Dan and I find a table in the corner, which is better for me. I hate being around people and even though its late, there are at least 20 people in here. I'm having the best time right now. I'm surrounded by people. Some may be fans. I'm sitting next to Dan, the person who kissed me. I'm being judged by the way I eat. I'm having anxiety. I need to leave. Like, now. I look at Dan and run away from the table.

I run out of McDonalds and find my way to the back, where there wouldn't be people. I make my way there and I happen to bump into someone. I mumble sorry and sit in the corner, where there is an indent. The world around me feels as though its spinning. Its circling my head making me quicken my breathing. I feel as though I'm in a hole that I can't get out of. Well, technically I am. I am in a hole full of people's emotions and opinions, including my own. The problem is, I don't know how to get out.

I probably look like a fucking lunatic, sitting in the back of McDonalds, hyperventilating and looking around vigoriously.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, making me jump about 5 feet into the air. I look up seeing Dan looking at me with concern.

"Y/n, are you okay?" I can't answer him. I can't breathe. "Y/n?"

"Dan there's people everywhere. I don't want to go back in. I, I just want to go somewhere, somewhere secluded. Please," I plead, tears threatening. Damn, I've cried a lot today. I'm such a fucking baby.

"Y/n, calm down okay? Breathe in... Breathe out. Can you do that?" I nod and do just as he says. "Good. Are you able to tell me what's wrong?"

"You, you wouldn't care. No one does."

"Y/n, talk to me. I care about you. I promise."

"You hated me earlier. What makes me think that you care about me?"

"Th-this," he nervously says and his lips were on mine. I didn't react a first then I started to kiss back. Our lips felt as if they were two pieces to a puzzle that go perfectly together. But just as it started, it ended. He places his forehead on mine.

I've never kissed someone until now. Not once. Except for that one time which was also with Dan. Yeah I know. But back to the point, I've never kissed anyone else but him. The thing is, I don't want to kiss anyone else. Though, Dan and I met today and already have gone through some shit so if I were to go in a relationship with him, how would we end up? Would we fight constantly or just be a lovey-dovey couple? Ugh. I have no idea. But I have to do something that I could regret but I could also not.

"Dan I can't do this. I'm not in the right mindset for any of this. I'm sorry."

"Wh-what do you mean? You were kissing me back so that had to mean something. Right? Did it mean something to you?" I frown at him, knowing he's hurt but I really can't do any relationships. I can barely deal with friends. "So, it didn't mean anything to you? Nothing at all?" he raises his voice slightly.

"I'm not saying it didn't, Dan," I look at the ground. "It did mean a lot, I'm not going to lie."

Should I say it? Might as well, I mean, I'm going to do it anyways. I just know that Phil or Dan isn't going to enjoy it.

"But Dan, I can't be stuck in this hole forever. I can't be somewhere where I'm only loved by ONE person and the other person I know just has a mere crush just like I do. Then, if I do what I'm going to do, you'll find someone else way better than me. Someone you deserve. Dan, I'm going to break a promise I made to Phil years ago. I can't live by it anymore."

"The one where you promised not to kill yourself," he said quietly. He looks at me with tears in his eyes. He's just making this so much fucking harder. Dan, please.

"Dan, please don't cry. Please... Don't"

He smiles slightly and laughs slightly. "Y/n, you can be somewhere where one person loves you. It just leaves room for more people to love you. You can be somewhere where someone has a mere crush because it could just grow to be stronger. If you kill yourself, Y/n, I wouldn't be able move on. You are pretty. You are smart. You are hilarious. I'll never find someone better than you. If anything, you deserve better. Not me."

"Dan, stop."

"But-"

"Just STOP. Dan, don't you understand. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be with anyone. Even platonically. I don't even want to be with Phil."

I get up and start walking away. But before I could go anywhere, Dan grabs my wrist. I yank it away from him.

"Y/n, dont kill yourself. I almost made that mistake. Please don't. Please promise me you won't."

"Dan, I won't promise anything. Remember, we don't always get what we want. I never got the life I wanted. You won't get the result you wanted. Life is unfair. You just gotta live with that." I start to walk away but Dan says something.

"How are you going to live with it if you're going to kill yourself?"

"I can't live with it anymore. But, Dan, don't tell Phil about anything. He doesn't deserve to get worried over something useless."

"And you don't deserve to die."