Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 22

I hear a knock on my door and I run over to open it. Phil is standing there with black pants and a light gray jumper on since its pretty cold out.

"Hey Phil, Come in. Is Dan with you?"

"Thanks. Um, no he's not with me. He had to finish filming a video. Do you want him over?"

"No. Its fine. I wanna hangout out with my big bro. And I'm a curious fuck, so what did you need to talk to me about?"

We both sit on the sofa and he looks at me.

"Y/n, I heard your argument with Dan."

Fuck. Why does life hate me?

"Yeah.." I trail off.

"What really happened in the dream?"

So I explain everything to him. From beginning to end. I even said what I remember in the note. The only thing I don't tell him is the last thing I thought before my body hit the water because I don't even remember what it was myself.

"Y/n, have you ever thought about going to therapy? I'm not saying that to be rude. I just think it may help."

"I thought about it but what if they judge me?"

"They won't. It would be better if they did so they can help you the way they need to. I'm saying this from personal experience."

"Okay Phil, if you think it could help me, then I'll do it. I trust you."

"Okay," he pauses. "So you really hate him, huh?"

"Who? Dan?"

"Yeah."

"I guess. Hate is a strong word. I think I strongly dislike him."

"Are you mad at him for not running after you when you said that you were going to kill yourself?" I nod. "Y/n, that was dream Dan. He would run after you in real life. I know he would. Scared that he was going to fuck up or not. He would've tried and stopped you."

"I don't know. I haven't felt like shit that much since high school and that takes a lot. I don't think we could ever be friends."

"If that's what you feel like needs to happen, then I'll let it be. Just to let you know, Dan feels terrible. He wasn't filming a video. He was on his laptop, stress-browsing. He doesn't know how to deal with the fact that he hurt you that much."

"Well, that's why I'm trying to get him to hate me. It won't hurt me nor will it hurt him."

"So, you don't hate him?"

"What?" I do hate him.

"You don't want to be hurt nor do you want to hurt him. I don't think you hate him. I think you're scared of being hurt." He laughs slightly. "And I think you're scared of hurting him in the process."

I think about it for a second. He has a point. I never thought about it in that way. Am I just scared of being hurt in the end? I'm not scared of hurting him, I'm scared of hurting myself. It all makes sense now.

"Phil, why are you always right?" I smile.

"Maybe that's because I'm smarter than you."

"I'm not going to argue with that," I say looking down.

He looks at me and his smile falters. "You know I was joking right?" He waits for me to say something but I don't. He raises my head slowly and makes me look at him.  "Y/n, no matter what people tell you, you are highly intelligent. You can read books bigger than my future. Your vocabulary is extraordinary. I'm am quite jealous of how you speak sometimes. If you went to college with me, you probably would've gotten better grades than I did. Just like high school."

I blush at what he tells me. Why do people always say things like this?

As if reading my mind he says, "Because its true."

"Thank you Phil."

Then we just talk. Talk about the first things that come to mind. But I leave out the one thing that has been the first thing on my mind and I just say the second. He hasn't noticed so I should be fine.

*Random Time Skip because I feel like it*

Its been a few weeks since mine and Dan's argument and things have been going well. (Not even lying, it auto corrected Dan's name to Dad. Damn, even the tablet knows what it's talking about.😂) Dan and I officially hate each other. We'll have these random arguments, calling each other names. Phil laughs and walks away most of the time. Its gotten easier saying things to him to be honest.

He'll call me different names and then I'll call him different names. He'll say bitch and I'll say Dick. Things like that. I come used to it now. Honestly, I don't think I need therapy. This is my therapy.