Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 18

Tonight.....is the night she says goodbye to the people she loves.

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Y/N's POV

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I go the bridge that's closest to here and I surely hopes this works. I don't want to deal with this world anymore.

I love Phil, I really do. That's why I kept my promise all those years. He was the brother that I wanted. That I should've gotten. But no. I got Cameron, the brother who abandoned me and never told me where. I haven't seen him in so long, I don't even remember remotely of what he looks like. Whatever though, right? I gonna die so what's the difference.

I approach the rusted-looking bridge and sit down on the railing. Some would say this is dangerous. I would say this is adrenaline-rushing. I take out the notebook and pen and start writing the note.

To everyone I've come to know and love,

I get that hearing about this on the news may come as a surprise to you, but those who really know me know that this was eventually going to happen. For example, Dan and Phil probably know about what happened to me. I know that Dan knows because I told him first hand. I'm not trying to make him seem like the bad guy. Not at all. He tried stopping me but what he didn't know was that he was the reason for it all. I knew him for a day and he already made me feel like complete shit. Nothing else. Just shit. Yes, laughs came here and there, but nothing too extraordinary. He made past memories flood back into my brain. He fueled the fire. That's why I hate him now. I know I'll be dead when you read this, but even if I'm dead, I'll still hate him. He probably doesn't even care, but whatever. Zoe, I want to say thanks for all you've done. You helped me even though I haven't known you for long. When I said I love you, I did mean it. I do mean it platonically. Now, Joe. Know that none of this is your fault. I really liked you but I had feelings for someone else, not realizing it. I'm sorry for being such a burden to you. Now, let's get to you Phil. Phil, I greatly appreciated all that you've done for me. You gave me food when I was sad, kept a roof over my head after my parents kicked me out, you gave me your blood for god sake. I guess that makes us blood related huh? Wow, even when I'm about to die, I manage to fit a joke in there. You've taught me well Phil.  You helped me get through tough times to Cameron through to my depression. I made a promise to you 5 years ago saying that I would try killing myself again. I'm sorry, but if you know me as much as I know you do, I wasn't one for keeping promises. This is a promise I will keep, I promise I loved you all. Even you Dan. I hated you yes, but every friendship has a little hostility. 

I look at the note I just read and find myself crying. Why? Why does this hurt more than it did back then? Back then, I would cut myself and everything was okay. I would feel pain again. That was my whole point. Now, that's all I feel. Pain.

I push the feelings aside and lean over the side slightly, holding onto the railing as it is the only thing keeping me alive. I peer around, looking at the water looming below me. Tears are now suddenly starting to cascade down my cheeks as rain is from the sky. I swear I hear a faint voice calling my name in the distance. I whip my head towards the last place I heard it and see no one. It was a figure of my imagination. Do I want someone to stop me from doing this? No, well maybe. I'm not doing this for attention. Honestly, I think I've had enough. Knowing that no one is there, I close my eyes and focus on hearing the water below me.

I heard the voice again but a little too late. My grip loosens with the rain making the railing slippery, making me fall off the edge. Now, there's no going back. I'm falling. Figuratively, emotionally, and physically. Every part of my body wants to stop breathing and just let it happen but there's one little voice saying, what about Daniel? Honestly, I don't care. Its happening and over with. I look up at the bridge and see Phil looking over the ledge. There was someone back there yelling my name. And there was someone who wanted me to stay alive.

What about Daniel?

What about Daniel?

What about Daniel?

My mind focuses on this question, repeating it repeatedly throughout my brain. What about him? There's nothing. I've only known him for a day and he's my main concern?

You've fallen.

No shit.

You've fallen for Daniel Howell.

Then my body hits the water.

I scream and my body shoots up. I frantically look around at my surrounding and see that I'm currently laying in a bed. Not any bed of course. Daniel fucking Howell's.