Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 37

I wipe the tear with my sleeve-or well, Dan's sleeve, and walk out of the room. I think I may have fucked everything up. But I'm not lying in saying, he is my first and only love. But will he find someone better than me?

*Dan's POV*

Did I say something wrong? Is this my fault? Though, maybe she has a point. We need to focus on ourselves before each other. But she doesn't leave my head. Never. Every second of the day, she's on my mind. Now, she's gone. She just left.

Her demons didn't take her. They couldn't have cause she's still happy. She still smiles. How come every time we see someone who seems happy, they are the sad and loneliest of us all?

That's what my followers thought about me. Look where we are now. I guess I have to start faking happiness again because where can I find happiness when it left me. She was the only thing that made me happy. I mean, there's Phil who genuinely cares about me and does make me happy, but he makes me a different kind of happy. I know Y/n was my person. She always had been.

I remember when we used to fight all the time. We hated each other, not realizing the obsessive thoughts about each other. We both knew we fell for each other the moment we kissed. The moment when we had nightmares and dreams about each other. The moment when we had to make Phil choose between us. We both knew that at that point, we related so much to each other, it hurt us.

I knew I fell for Y/n when I made her cry that one night. How did I know? Well, when she cried and when Phil snapped at me, I was hurt. I was hurt at the fact that maybe I cared about her and I hurt her in the end while trying to distance myself from her. She is the reason I am the way i am today.

But now, she's gone and I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I'm incredibly hurt, but too shocked to register than she is gone. I can't feel sad. I can't feel angry. I only feel numb. I feel lost and alone. Am I a bad person?

*Y/n's POV*

I don't even go to my apartment. I just run out and leave all my thoughts behind. I don't have anyone other than Dan and Phil. However, I know there is one place I could go.

I walk for about 10 minutes and finally reach their home. Its the same as it was when I last came there. I feel bad for just stopping by so randomly but I need someone. I can't go to Phil because Dan's there. I can't go to Dan because well, I fucked up. She's the only person I could go to now.

I knock on the door and wait for a response. I hear footsteps approaching the door and then then stop. There was a moment of silence and then I heard her say, "Did you call someone?" A voice then responded, "No."

Zoe then opens the door and her eyes light up when she sees me. "Y/n?"

"Hi," I smile awkwardly.

"What are you doing here, not that I mind?" She gives me another look and then asks, "Are you okay?"

I shake my head and start crying again. I still feel bad for just randomly coming to her house.

"Come in, hun." I see her give a guy a glance, telling him to leave for a second, which he does, and we sit down where he just was. "Tell me what's going on."

I breathe in and look at her. "So, first before I start ranting, I want to say sorry for two things. First, I'm sorry for just randomly just showing up after what, a few months. And second, I'm sorry for coming here like I need something from you. I promise I'm independent. I just need someone right now. I fucked up."

"First, there is no need to apologize for anything. You are your own person. I know you are independent and I know you probably didn't come here for a good reason. And like I've said, you can always talk to me if you need. Now, go ahead an let it all out."

I tell Zoe everything about what happened, from when Dan and I were fighting and then lastly when I broke up with him. It was hard cause I had to remember all the good things that we did and the memories that we shared.

She pulled me into a hug and comforted me until I calmed down and "forgot" what happened for a while.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet. This is my boyfriend Alfie. Alfie, this is Y/n, one of my good friends."

"Hi," he says, smiling and reaching his hand out for me to shake.

I take his hand and smile back. "Hi. I promise I don't cry every time I come over here."

"I didn't think so," he laughs.

"So Y/n, do you want to stay for dinner?" Zoe asks.

"Sure, why not? I have nothing else to do anyway except cry," I joke, but nobody laughed. "Sorry. That was too soon."

"You can't just laugh off your pain Y/n. Its not good for you."

"I know."

How long have I been laughing off my problems?