Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 34

A few months pass and Dan and I are better than ever. Yes, we've had our fights and arguements, but that's what makes a relationship healthy.

Dan, Phil, and I decide that we're going to start a Harry Potter Marathon. After about 3 movies, Phil fell asleep. He looks like a child, curled up on the loveseat. He snuggles into the blanket and I laugh at him.

Dan next to me is just scrolling through tumblr like he always does. He truely is inspiring. I wish I was like him. On my old youtube channel, I only had like a 100 subs, which is nothing compared to Dan. He has 6 and a half million subs and such a great community.

"What're you thinking about?" Dan asks, looking at me.

"Nothing," I smile.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Alright," he sighs and rubs his temples.

"The real question is, are you okay?" I say, putting my hand on his.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just stressed is all."

"About what?"

"Y/n, Phil and I are planning on going on tour."

"When?" I ask, with a sad look. Is Dan going to leave me?

"Two weeks..."

I stand up quickly and look at him. "And you decide to tell me this now? How long are you going to be on tour?"

It's as if he's shrinking under me when it should be the other way around. He speaks in a quiet voice, "3 months."

"Why didn't you tell me!" I yell, waking Phil in the process.

"What's going on?" Phil says, sleepily.

"You and Dan are going on tour and decided not to tell me until two weeks before! Why didn't you tell me?"

"We were trying to figure out if you can come before we told you. And turns out you can. I'm sorry for not telling you Y/n," Dan says, guilty.

"I'm just going to calm down a bit."

I walk into Dan's room and sit on the floor. Did they not trust me enough to tell me? Is Dan leaving me? What happens if Dan meets a new girl in America that's much prettier, nicer, and less problematic than I am? Am I going to be replaced? Am I. . . not good enough?

What happened to being happy? I was just moments ago. Then everything turns to shit because of me. I'm making a big deal about something small. I'm just being a problem like always. I always fuck everything up.

"You'll be forever alone."

"You fat ass bitch."

"Go fucking die."

"You worthless piece of shit."

"Nobody cares about you. Even your parents left you."

Words wrap around my brain like a python when it meets its prey. They repeat over and over like a broken phonograph. Each word stabs me in the heart and like Brendon Urie says, "Words are knives and often leave scars."

I look at my scared wrist and I see all the scars opening again. I want them to open again.

I look around in Dan's room and there's nothing I can use. Nothing. I sigh and keep all my emotions in while I open the door. My face is stoic and straight.

I walk out the room and I open the bathroom door. I shut it behind me and look around. I slide the mirror open and I find a razor. My razor when I decide to take a shower here. I look at the glistening blade and all the memories come back. From middle school. From high school.

I've been clean since I've met Dan. He has made me so happy that I forgot about all the pain. All the suffering I went through. Everything.

I grab the blade and look at it. As I was about to put it to my wrist and start to cut myself again, the door brusts open.

Dan grabs the razor and throws it in the tub and grabs my torso. He pushes me close to his chest and doesn't even say anything.

"Dan, let me go," I say in a struggle.

I turn my body and Dan's grib is still on my stomach. I reach for the blade and I can't reach, but I try and try.

I feel my body being raised from the ground and I frail around with tears now forming.

Dan takes me into his room, worried for my sake.

Dan decides to finally say something. "What were you doing?" He says sternly.

"Nothing."

"Y/n, you can't do those things to yourself. Please. It hurts me to see you hurt."

I stay silent.

"Y/n, please. Promise you won't do it again."

I dont say anything again. Instead, I just start crying. I reach out to Dan and hug him, sobbing on his shoulder. He moves my legs so they are sitting on my lap and plays with my hair to help me calm down. When he sees that its not working, he rubs circles on my back.

How can he make me feel this way? It's like he makes all my emotions disappear. Like he knows what to do to help me calm down and love him more.

I steady my breathing and calm down. He messes with my hair and looks down at me with loving eyes.

"You okay now?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Can you promise me that you won't try and do it again?"

"I can't promise anything but I'll try."

"I'll take that."

"I love you Dan."

"I love you too Y/n."