Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 16

"And you don't deserve to die."

I stop walking at his words. All the feelings I felt in the past flooded back.

*Flashback*

"Y/n, don't do this. Please don't do something you'll soon regret. Think about your decision. If you kill yourself now, what lies ahead? The future will be just like the past. Nothing would change. The world would just have one less person right? No, Y/n. The world would get darker and darker. It wouldn't have your smile to make it brighter. Y/n, you're my best friend and you don't deserve to die," Phil says with tears in his eyes.

*End of Flashback*

"And you don't deserve to die," I whispered under my breath so he couldn't hear.

"Y/n, think about your decision."

"Think about your decision," I whispered again.

"The world needs you. Phil needs you. I need you. The world needs your smile to make it brighter.  Without it, it would just become a dark place."

"It needs your smile to make it brighter. It would become darker and darker without it," I whispered, a little louder this time.

"Y/n, please. Don't leave everything behind because of people's opinions."

"Don't leave everything behind because of people's opinions," I said aloud.

I've heard all of this before. Everything. But hearing it from him, it hurts even more. Especially when he said not to leave everything behind because of people's opinions. That was the second to last thing Cameron said before he left. Before he left me and went somewhere else. Before he stopped caring about me.

"Y/n, are you alright? Please talk to me."

"That, that was the last thing my brother Cameron said to me before, before he left to who knows where. He left not caring about how I feel and I'll never forgive him for it. Hearing you say it, really hurts but its also like a wake up call. Dan....thanks." I walk up to him and hug him.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't intend to hurt you."

"Dan, I don't want to hurt you either. Though, this whole relationship thing that's going on between us, it can't happen. Not just for your sake, but for mine. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. I'm sorry."

With that, I run. I run away on the random streets of London. Not knowing where to go. I just keep running. I look behind me and see no one trying to stop me. Not even Phil. I continue to run until I get to a park surrounded by trees.

I sit on a bench and put my head in my hands. What have I done? I don't deserve to be here. I always end up hurting people. I'm tired of it. I can't deal with all the stress and sadness that has overcome my body. I need to talk to someone. Anyone for that matter. I know who I should talk to. But, will they think I'm insane and hate me? They already know about my abusive ex, so what could be worse? Oh yeah, I want to kill myself because I just screw everything up. What's so bad?

"Y/n?" someone says, breaking my train of thought.

"Zoe?"

"What are you doing out here so late?" she asks.

"I could ask you the same thing," I reply, keeping my expression emotionless.

"I was just taking a walk until I saw you."

"Not to be a dick, but you should continue talking that walk. I don't want to waste your time."

"You're not wasting my time. I haven't talked to you in a little and it'd be nice to see what you've been up to."

"Oh." Wow, that's all you say. Smartass.

"So, how was your day?"

"I met up with Phil. We talked. I find out Dan hates me then fucking likes me. I kissed him. Then told him I couldn't be in a relationship. He brought back memories. He mentioned Cameron, my brother who disappeared. We made up after a fight and went to McDonalds. I had an anxiety attack. I told Dan that I'm breaking a promise I made years ago to Phil. He tells me not to. I want to kill myself. He argues with me saying I don't deserve to die. When I do. He keeps bringing back memories and I hate him for it." I look up at her and look back down. Almost in a whisper I say, "I hate him so much."

"Y/n, I'm sorry. You don't deserve to die, you know. You have people who love you for you and it won't ever change."

"Yeah? Name three people," I say confidently.

"Phil, Dan, Me, Joe, Cameron, Martin, Phil's mother, Phil's father, your fans."

"Dan probably hates me. Phil's going to hate me when I break his promise. Phil's parents probably forgot about me. Martin is older and forgot about me. My fans will just watch someone instead of me. Cameron fucking left me when I needed him the most. Joe will just get over his mere crush and date someone else, forgetting about me in general. You, you probably do care about me but you don't need to. I'm just hurting you. You don't deserve that." She's going to say it.

"Like Dan said, you don't deserve to die."

"But I do. I just end up hurting people, whatever I do."

"Don't you think killing yourself will hurt people more? Especially Dan and Phil?"

"Yeah, but they'll get over it."

"Just like how they'll get over what you've supposedly done to hurt them. Honestly, I think killing yourself will kill Phil too. He loves you not just as a friend, but a sister. If you kill yourself, Phil would change and may do something he'll regret. You killing yourself will hurt him more than anything that you've done."

"You're right."

She's right. I'm not even lying. She's right about Phil. I would kill him. Internally, mentally, and physically. I've already hurt him real badly in the past. Imagine what it would be like if it worked.

Phil, you are the only reason I'm alive.

You are the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned. You are my savior.