Still Holding On (A Daniel Howell x reader)

Chapter 36

Dan rubs circles onto my back as I lay on him. I don't know what would happen if he wasn't here for me. I don't know where I would be or if I would even be here.

"Dan?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Yeah, love?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being you. Being here. I don't know where I would be without you."

"Same for you, Y/n."

I smile slightly, somehow forgetting the thoughts that had just erupted from my mind. Dan always has had that ability and sometimes I hate it. Right now, though, I am grateful for it.

"Y/n?"

"Yeah?" I say, snuggling into his chest again because I'm cold.

"When are you going to put a shirt on?" he laughs.

"What-" I look at my half nude torso and blush. I totally forgot that I was only wearing a bra.

I get up and grab the shirt that was on the floor. I throw it on and look at Dan who is trying to hold in his laughter.

"Shut up!"

"You really forgot that you weren't wearing a shirt?" He asked, still trying not to laugh.

"Yes, yes I did. I was crying and you think I'll realize that I was not wearing a shirt? You're funny."

"Well sorry princess," he laughs.

"Fuck a shower. I'm going to get something to eat."

"That sounds like a plan. Takeout?"

"Hell yeah," I say, with the shirt muffling my mouth as I pulled it over my shoulders.

Dan and I walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. I sit on the the stool next to the counter and let Dan do the talking because my voice sounds ragged and hoarse.

After a few minutes, he finishes the phone call and sits next to me on another stool. He looks at me and takes a deep breath.

"Y/n, I hate seeing you so hurt. Fuck everyone who said mean things about you. You are beautiful and I love you for who you are.  People are jealous of your charismatic personality and your lovable heart. Your parents don't deserve a daughter like you. I don't deserve a girlfriend like you."

"Dan, you don't mean that," I say getting up from the stool. I don't deserve anyone not the other way around. I walk to the fridge and grab a bottle of water.

"I do Y/n. Why would I be dating you if I didn't?"

"If I'm being honest, Dan, I have no idea why you are dating me. No clue. If I were you, I would stay away from me cause all I do is cause problems and you don't need that. Neither you or Phil need that. But you two continue to stay. That's what confuses me the most. You guys deserve a better friend and you deserve a better girlfriend. I'm not who you think I am Dan. What Phil has told you is wrong. All of it. I'm not the same anymore."

"You're right. We don't deserve you. You are one of the best people I have ever met. Your personality is amazing and your smile is beautiful. If I'm being honest, I got so jealous when Phil talked about you because you seemed so much better than me." Dan gets up from the stool and walks over to me, making me have to look up at him. "You seemed so perfect. So unique. I was jealous that Phil had you to himself. I wanted to meet the famous Y/n L/n. I wanted to know what was so special about her. And now, not only is she standing her right in front of me, she is now changed in unimaginable ways. You have matured from a child to a women and you aren't afraid to speak your mind. You are everything I have ever wanted in a person. Yeah, Phil is my best friend but you are the best girlfriend I've ever had. We may both have issues we deal with, but together our demons can't take us."

I stand there in shock. Dan literally just gave me a lecture about me. About how he was jealous. How he wanted to know me. How he knew I was everything he wanted in a person. But why? I'm not the good of a person. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a good person cause I know I'm not. So I do what I might regret.

"Dan. I appreciate what you said. Honestly, I'm about to cry," I laugh and he smiles and does too. "But, my demons have already taken me." He frowns at me. "I think we should try and focus on ourselves first and then worry about the other."

"Are you-" I put my finger to his lips and shush him.

"Yes, but I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. You will always be my first and only love. I'm sorry." And with that, I let my arm dangle and let a single tear fall from my cheeks.