Transcendental (Working Title) Completed First Draft Revising Rewriting Editing

Silence Leads to Suffering

Devlin was silent the entire drive, aside from forcing grunted responses to any conversation I attempted to strike up. But could I blame him? I had just dropped the "I'm gay and by the way, I love you" bomb on him, putting him in the most awkward position he had ever experienced in his life. Then, when he had asked for clarification, I had completely freaked out on him. All he had done in response, was to glare at me. Okay, so then he pinned me down and yelled at me, asking me what I wanted from him. I really couldn't blame him for how he responded. It was better than I had anticipated. I thought he was going to beat me senseless. Devlin had a wild temper and very little control over his anger, so honestly, it was incredibly telling that he hadn't lost it on me. While I had been afraid in the heat of it, he actually hadn't really done anything too terrible aside from the bruise on my wrist, but that's just because Dev doesn't know his own strength, it certainly hadn't been intentional.

Then, after all of that. After I made him almost lose control of his anger because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and give him space. When I had come unglued and fell apart, he had held me. Consoling me for hours while I cried. He even held me through the night while we slept. 

It was no wonder he was silent, he probably thinks I have lost my mind, which isn't far from the truth, I can't say I disagree with him at this point. I should never have put him in that position, this was all my fault. But, what choice did I have?

My attraction to Dev hadn't really started until my father passed over a year ago, I had never been into guys, in fact, if I had ever had romantic type feelings for anyone, it would have been my crush on his sister.

According to the psychiatrist that saw me in the hospital when my mother had me committed because she didn't understand my constant anxiety and depression. When my father had died abruptly and my mom went MIA. Devlin had stepped in and had come through for me in such a monumental way, The hero worship I had always had for him morphed into something bigger, and according to the doctor, I was experiencing, "transference" he had called it. Basically, all the love that I lost, when I lost my father, had to be replaced somehow, and since my mother had checked out and never checked back in from my father's death, Dev was the only person I had left in my life, that loved me. It may have been a platonic love of a friend or a brother, but it was love, and Devlin may be many things, but one thing he is not is fickle. Devlin is as steadfast as they come. So I knew that love was something I could trust, and my battered little heart had latched onto it desperately.

And all the loss I had suffered through the last year, my subconscious wanted to tie him to me in every way possible, so I developed even more intense feelings for him. Until I had fallen in love with him. It was never sexual, I just loved him. In fact, until we had kissed and all that other stuff, I had never even felt all that much in the way of sexual urges. I was a boring guy. Until he kissed me as he had. I felt like I was lit up from inside, heated with electric tingles in my stomach. And I wanted to feel all that again, but not at the cost of losing Devlin, so I'll just be content with our friendship, grateful he hasn't decided that having a gay best friend doesn't suit him. At least, I hope it never comes to that, just the thought of that possibility left me anxiety stricken and nauseated with stress.

Devlin was quiet when he pulled the truck to a stop. He put it in park. We just sat there for a few moments in awkward uncomfortable silence. I wasn't sure what was expected of me. I sat in the truck seat for a moment, not sure what to do.

When I glanced over at Devlin, he was just staring out the front of the truck, jaw clenched, hands tight on the steering wheel.

I felt my stomach sink to my feet. I had known what I was risking when I let the words out into the world. But I hadn't realized just how much it would hurt or how terrifying it would feel when things began to gain momentum and I was no longer in control of it anymore.