Cold

Chapter 31

Okay.
If you aren't comfortable with self harm skip this chap.
Please.
Nothing vivid in here but still, if your not comfortable skip.
Thanks.
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Flashback

Tears run down my cheeks as I close my phone. My stupid SnapChat memories reminded of my one-year photo and video. Of course, the picture was of me and Gallo.

We were smiling in the picture. Small stars around our faces as a big smile took place on our lips.

My heart twisted in one too many ways as the picture brought back one too many memories of that day.

It was Carnival Day.

Cotton candy had gotten all over our hair as we were throwing it at each other.

Our faces had little splashes of paint as our Carnival Day committee organized a giant paint fight in the back of the school on the football field. The paint fight will always be something to remember as it was one of the best days of our lives.

Swiping the picture, a video popped up. It was short but cute and it caused my chest to squeeze. We had a heart filter on us. The little pink hearts around our heads as we laughed at each other. Gallo was leaning on my shoulder. Pointing the camera to him, he gave me a big smile.

Then the camera went back to my old self who smiled at the camera. Right before the video ended, Gallo managed to kiss me on the cheek causing my cheeks to turn a light shade of pink.

Just like that the video was over and my tears got worse. My sobs were the only things you could hear in my bathroom. I couldn't take it anymore.

My mind kept on replaying that video in my head. Like a stupid loop that can run on forever.

Everything moved fast.

All I saw was a blur. My tears too much to handle. Going into one of the drawers, I pull out my dads' razor. Not the shaving one but the other one. The really big one he uses to fix his beard.

As much as I don't want to do this, I just want all this pain to end. It feels like I've been drowning for a year and I'm no where close to finding the surface. I need to let my body go and stay at the bottom of the floor.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I'm not surprised at who I am. I'm a mess.

This past year as been hell. All I could think about was Gavin. Whenever I would see him in the halls with another girl, I felt a sharp pain in my chest telling me that it could have been me. That we could have been happy together.

But instead, I turned out like this. A depressed girl who's stuck seeing a therapist twice a week and is on specific medication to help me.

If I want to be completely honest, I only take the drugs because it makes me feel better. For that little second of hope and then it's all gone.

I once overdosed because of that feeling. But now my mom holds them to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I turn on the machine in my hands and without thinking, I slice is down my forearm.

Trying to think about something else, anything else. That's when it hit me. My life went to shit at 13.

It all started because of Charles. He needed help with drug and Gavin and I said okay. Well, Gavin convinced me to at least.

At the time I didn't know his drug problem was starting but now looking back at it, I should have known. Gavin and I only ended things this year.

I knew Charles was right but yet I didn't listen. I wanted to prove to Gavin that I was able to be apart of the drug world. I wanted to show him I was tough.

But it all failed when I tried to go up against four guys who had guns pointed at both Gavin and Charles. I thought I was helping. Turns out I made it worse.

Who would have known that calling gang leaders bitches would get them so mad that they almost shot me?

ALMOST.

Instead Gavin took the bullet. Hit him in the shoulder but that just got me madder and I ended up going up against two guys while Charles went up the other two.

Stabbing the guy in the neck wasn't a good idea... that was the first time I ever killed anyone.

Hopefully the last.

That night, after I basically killed a gang leader, the brother decided to shoot myself and Charles and took away the drugs. Making us—him—lose a lot of money. I forgot how much but I don't care. Not right now at least.

Looking down at my arms, blood is running down and dripping onto the white tile floor. The sting of pain begins to hit me but I try to push it away as I make my way towards the bath tube. Carefully opening the water, I wait for the cold water to fill the tub.

My mind seemed to drift back to that night. Once at the hospital, Charles came into my room and told me that what I did was completely stupid and I needed to pay up.

Of course, I didn't have any money. So, he used the next best thing, Gavin. He told me that he would shoot Gavin if he ever saw me with him ever again.

From there, Gavin and I started to drift apart. At first, I wanted him to be okay but I realized that Charles was pushing him close towards the drug world.

I wanted out. And Charles didn't like that. He said once you're in you're in. That was my once chance to tell him that I would cut all contacts with Gavin; to never speak to him again. To my surprise he was okay with it.

The following year, Gavin and I kept our friendship on the down low and that's when my feelings hit. But it was this year that everything went to shit. How he would use me and then go to another girl right afterwards. It killed me. I couldn't take it.

Tears continued to pool in my eyes as I laid down in the now filled bathtub. The ice-cold water hit my open wounds but I didn't care. I just wanted to leave. To escape this place that I used to call my home.

That's when I do that I've always been feeling. I drown. Putting my head underwater, the feeling of actually drowning is much for painful than what I've been feeling on the inside.

I don't know what happened afterwards. After the little stars prickled in the light as I followed it.

Flashback over

Sighing, I pull the sleeves of my hoodie down. I refuse to see those scares ever again.

I can't look at them or myself the same anymore.

But after I ended up at the hospital, I saw how destroyed my family was and I couldn't do that to them again.

From there, I promised myself that I would turn my life around. And I'm happy that I did.

I found the love for sports again and joined basketball.