special -joshler-

-five-

josh
//tw: anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, religion\\

after dinner, tyler walked to our dorm and i stayed back to talk to frank.

as frank and gerard walked towards the stairs, frank locked eyes with me. i nodded and he whispered something in gerard's ear before coming over to me.

"hi josh," frank said.

"hey frank," i was nervous. i didn't really know how to talk about it.

"how are you?"

"yeah, i'm good, you?"

"yeah me too."

we stood in silence for a bit.

"um, yknow, i'm happy for you and gerard. i've known gerard a while, but never been really close to him. all i know is he probably really needs something like this."

"thanks josh, it means a lot coming from you."

"yeah," i needed to say something. "frank, i'm so fucking sorry."

"i know," he looked at me, "and i understand why you snapped."

i was about to cry. "i- i just," a tear rolled out of my eye, "i was having a bad day and i was scared and angry and stressed and-"

"hey, hey," frank silenced me, "it's okay, i understand. and i think you understand why i didn't talk to you and am having trouble talking now."

"yeah," i said, wiping my cheeks.

"also," frank nudged my side, "tyler, eh?"

"shuddup," i said, blushing and looking at my shoes.

"no, no, i think you should go for it!"

"i don't wanna mess up our friendship, besides, we'll have to share rooms the rest of the year, and maybe after, i don't wanna make that awkward."

"understandable, but you don't wanna block out your feeling, maybe tell him how you feel, only when you're ready, and tell him if he needs you to back up, you can."

i sighed, "frank, you are a god, i understand why gerard likes you."

he smiled, "yeah, he's cute." he was ferociously blushing.

"you did good mate," i pat his back and started walking up the stairs with him. "thanks for talking to me, and can we talk more often?"

"absolutely, i've missed being your best friend."

"yeah," i smiled at him.

we walked around the corner to see gerard.

"gee!" frank yelled, "were you listening?!"

"maybe," gerard said, full of sass, "and, yes, i know, i am cute." he smirked. frank giggled.

"okay, one: i'm here hello, and two: ew stop flirting." i commented through their complements.

"oops, sorry josh," gerard apologised. "thanks for talking to frank, he needed that."

"no problem man."

"oh, and, good luck with tyler."

"seriously is it that obvious?!" i walked off from their giggling, "g'night guys!"

"night!"

"goodnight!"

||-//

"josh," tyler woke me.

i looked over at the clock. 1:30am.

"what is it tyler?"

"i wanna show you something," he took my hand and pulled me out of bed, he led me down the hall of the large building.

the walls were illuminated only by the moonlight and tyler's eyes sparkled.

we walked along the halls until we came to a door, when tyler opened it and led me inside, it opened to a large garden.

it was a green room, and plants spread all around the room. it was hot and i was already pulling off the hoodie i slept in. tyler bit his lip and led me to the fountain in the middle of the green room.

"josh," tyler put his hand on my thigh, "i need to tell you something,"

"what's that?" i stared at him, silently hoping this would be what i've been praying for.

"you deserve to die. i hate you so much and i can't believe i'm going to have to spend at least another year with you sleeping near me. i hate your guts and you should kill yourself or cut until you bleed out. i hate you so so so so much. i never want to talk to you again and i can't believe i almost liked you. i don't know how frank was your boyfriend for more than a day before realising you are a piece of shit."

i say in silence, heart broken.

"in fact, i just gonna kill you now."

in a second, my head was underwater. i couldn't breath and i felt a pressure on the back of my head. i choked on water, my brain felt fuzzy, i couldn't think straight, i was so tired. i gave up.

i jolted awake and screamed. i was covered in sweat and my throat hurt.

tyler also woke up to my screaming and ran over to me.

"hey, hey, hey it's okay, it's okay baby." he reassured me. he held me like a baby and rocked me back and forth, rubbing the back of my head and shooshing me.

i cried into his shoulder, it was all just a dream.

i wasn't dead. but maybe tyler did hate me.

when i had calmed down enough to talk again, i snuggled up next to tyler, who continued to trace patterns on my back.

"t-tyler?"

"yeah jish?"

i giggled at my nickname. "do you hate me?"

tyler removed me from my snuggling position so he could look at me in the eyes. he had beautiful eyes. he held my hands. "i could never, ever, hate you josh dun."

i started crying. he just let me snuggle up next to him before moving to a more comfortable position.

we fell asleep together.