special -joshler-

-seven-

josh
//depression, anxiety, gay slurs\\

getting back in my dorm was nice. tyler wasn't talking like he usually would though.

when he closed the door he sat on his bed.

"tyler?"

no response.

"tyler?"

i sat on my bed and looked at him.

"tyjo?"

"i can't believe you told them."

"what do you mean?"

"i don't like people knowing i write my own music, it makes me self conscious."

"tyler, i didn't know."

"no-one knows!" he snapped, "you're the only one i've shown my music to."

i was startled. "tyler."

"she's gonna make me play one of my songs now, she's gonna make me sing!"

"but tyler, you're good at singing."

he scoffed. "tell that to the boy that pushed me and called me a fag because i sang in the school play!"

i was quiet.

"leave me alone." i stood up and left. i didn't know where i was going, i just had to go.

funnily enough, i ended up outside franks dorm.

i sighed and knocked on the door.

frank opened the door and let me in. "hey josh."

"hi."

he could tell something was wrong. "you wanna talk about it?"

"not really but i'm gonna anyway."

frank got a chair and sat on the chair so i could sit on his bed. "yknow when i told lindsey about tyler writing songs?"

"yeah i remember."

"well," i sighed, "he doesn't like people knowing he writes songs, he said at his old school he got bullied for it and was called a fag." i the last word came out with a scared voice.

frank was silent for a minute. "i think he just needs some time to accept his art. when i started writing music i was really self conscious about it, so was gerard. he's actually really good at singing but hasn't sung in front of any one but his grandma and i."

"tyler said i was the only one who he'd sing a song he wrote to."

frank took my hand, "that must mean your special."

i nodded. "thank you frank, do you mind if i hang out in here until i talk to tyler?"

"yeah, go ahead, gerard should be back soon."

i nodded and we sat and talked for a bit

when gerard came in he looked kinda shocked but then smiled. "good to see you two are getting along," he said before sitting with us, "what are we talking about?"

frank looked at me for approval before explaining the situation to gerard.

"i think you should apologise and then pretend the incident didn't happen. don't ignore it, just don't bring it up, tyler can bring it up if he wants to talk about it. songwriting is clearly a sensitive topic for him and you need to respect his boundaries. when i started writing music, i didn't show anyone. frank was the first person i've shown a song i wrote. i showed my grandma of course but she's because she's basically my best friend and i trust her with everything."

wow, gerard was cool. i looked over at frank, who was staring at him in awe. i was proud of him.

||-//

i stayed at gerard and frank's dorm until dinner and sat with them, there was an empty seat if tyler wanted to sit next to me but he sat next to patrick. they looked really happy talking to each other. every now and then i would see tyler look at me but pretend it never happened.  

i went back to our dorm after dinner and we just ignored each other and went to sleep. i cried silently until i slept.

||-//

i woke up to a scream, a yell and a sob.

i sat up and looked over at tyler who was looking at his hands and crying. he had had a nightmare.

i ran over to him and hugged him. "hey, it's okay." he sobbed into my shoulder. he looked so weak. he was beautiful though and i couldn't stop looking at him.

i traced patterns on my back like he did to me the other night. i shooshed and cooed. "it's okay baby."

"jish?" tyler spoke through sobs.

"what is it tyjo?"

"don't leave me alone."

"tyler," i looked in his eyes, "i will never leave you. you are so important to me and i don't want to mess up our friendship. i'm sorry about sharing that information in music but no one here will bully you, i promise. you'll be okay." i hugged him and he sobbed into my shoulder.

"thank you," he sobbed out.

we sat in silence for a bit. "jish?"

"yeah tyjo?"

he sniffed, "i think i'm bi too."

my heart skipped a beat, i smiled. "that doesn't change my view of you. you will always be my tyler, my best friend."

"thank you jish."

"no problem tyjo."