special -joshler-

-fourteen-

.:josh:.

im gonna stop putting trigger warnings at the start because they are the same everytime. stay safe and stay hydrated (((:

"tyler?" he had zoned out. "tyler!"

he jumped, "uh, sorry," he looked down embarrassed, "what is it?"

"are you alright? you look upset."

"no, no, i'm fine," he said quickly, fiddling with his fingers.

i knew something was wrong but i decided to leave it, i was upset as well today.

after breakfast, which tyler didn't eat, the boys went to the movies together. i didn't go because i had a really bad headache, but it gave me the time to do something i hadn't done in too long.

when they were all out i ran up to my dorm and crawled under my bed.

i grabbed my torch and found the small wooden box i was looking for. i sat up in my bed and opened it slowly.

the small swiss army knife my mother had bought me for my birthday last year glared in the light shining through the partly closed blinds.

i sighed as i held it close to my chest and hugged it. i missed my family. despite their intense christianity and homophobia, they were amazing. i really missed them.

i set that down next to me and reached for the pendant. it was my sisters.

i put the necklace around my neck. abbie gave it to me before i left for school.

i looked back down at the knife that was next me. i wondered what would happen if i got back into the habit that made me so calm. i felt great and i miss that feeling.

if you could just do it you would feel better.

i knew that voice, and i knew what it did to me.

that voice would come to me during the nights and tell me everything wrong with me.

my stupid smile, my big nose, my tummy, the fact i have a crush on a boy.

but that voice always made me feel better.

and then worse.

if i kept listening to that voice, i would have temporary peace, but then pain, and guilt, and anxiety attacks, and emptiness, and tyler would find out, and he would be disappointed in me, and i couldn't let tyler down.

i dropped the knife and put everything back into the box before putting the box under the bed and going to the bathroom.

||-//

when the boys returned, tyler just fell onto his bed.

he was obviously exhausted and didn't really want to do anything.

he actually fell asleep. it was hilarious how cute his little snore was.

i really did like him a lot. i really wanted to ask him out but i didn't want to do to tyler what i did to frank.