What If Our Life Threads Bind?

Chapter 22.

It came back again, the entire scene but somewhere deep inside I forced it to come back to me. It felt like pressing a button deep down into my memory lane till I feel miserable again.

Reva had rushed after me when I walked out of the cafeteria. I waved her off and told her I needed fresh air. Margo noticed too.

"Did your boyfriend do something?" She asked repetitively but I was not in a mood to let it all out yet.

"He's not my boyfriend and this has nothing to do with him." I hissed.

"I knew it." She said and I gave her a what-the-heck-are-you-even-talking-about look. "It's obviously about him. You can tell me."

I breathed. "It's just....he...." I clenched my jaw. "He smokes." and was looking at a girl and smiling like she was the only thing that mattered.

"Ah....you're an anti smoker." She said and I nodded, although it was not entirely a lie. I did hate smokers and knew how it sucks- the struggle to breathe in an airless environment.

The feeling reminded me of the day when I had gone to the furies' training course about torturing the damned; the doomed. An un-dead human was recalled from the underworld to volunteer as a damned to get tortured.

He had smelled like a dead skunk rotting and I remember getting nauseated at the same. As a zombie, I thought it won't hurt him but it did. He was an asthmatic when he lived and was kept in an oxygen free zone, a hiss of carbon dioxide steam slapping his face. He struggled for air and then stopped moving.

But then he moved again. I shuddered. "Its a zombie. He can't die. He's one of the un-dead." Margaret, the middle of the furies had reminded me. The room was filled with the sweet stench of the un-dead, leaving me breathless.

"Earth to Martha." Margo waved a hand in front of me and I breathed.

"If it's bothering you that much then you should talk to him. Smoking really is bad. It's like a hired killing machine. People die because of this thing." She said and a film of Austin struggling for oxygen in an airless room flashed at the back of my mind.

I blinked. "Okay."

I can keep him away from death if not the girls.

...

Thinking about it over and over, made my skin feel scorched clean. I picked up my phone again, dialed Austin's number, my thumb hovering over the green "call" button. I sighed.

But why is this bothering me? Everyone smokes and I'm no one to tell him to not smoke.

It's not like he'll listen to me, anyway.

I drop the phone to my bed sheet and it hits a stack of dying people's documentaries. I stare blankly at it as Margo's words fill back in my ears.

It's like a hired killing machine. People die because of this thing.

Death. What a simple but horrifying word. Why do people suppose that death would be the gateway to justice and freedom? Is it?

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter how a person dies as far as it is concerned with the bereavement. Other than that, for a person who walks so willingly to death, its my job to show them the reason to not die or it would be an insult to me and the real characters I read about.

Nobody really knows about it except my family- that when I take a life, I get one. I live one and the dead becomes a part of me. A voice in my head. A feeling in my heart.

I pick up my phone one more time and heave a deep sigh, dialing his number and clicked on 'Call'. The bell rang two to three times and then he picked up.

"Martha?"

"Hi. I was wondering if we could talk."

A pause. "Sure. About?"

I sighed and continued, "You should stop smoking." I said and waited for his answer. I frowned at the sound of a chuckle and wondered what was funny? Worrying?

"I am sorry. Is this all? Oh, come on, Martha. I am not scared of death." I could hear him laugh lightly, annoyance washed through me.

"Well, you should be." I hissed and he didn't reply for a minute. I almost thought he hung up on me. But then he sighed.

"Its okay, Martha. Its not a big deal."

"Why not? If you're so willing to die then let me tell you there are a lot more easier ways of doing so. A cut of thread and its all over." I forced the tears to stay inside my eye sockets as I bit my tongue and it bled a little.

I've revealed too much.

I locked my jaw closed. I still wanted to argue but he kept quiet. It wasn't that I couldn't think of an argument. It was that there were so many.... The arguments in my brain were like people running out from a burning building and struggling to get out of a jammed door.

"Look...." I said after a long minute and breathed, "this may seem like a joke to you. But I was just saying as a well wisher. Its your life and I am nobody to comment." I wanted to hang up then but a part of me wanted him to speak something. Anything?

"I understand, Martha. I do. Thanks and I'll try to reduce my intake." He said and I end the call there.

What is happening with me?

...

The following day after the call, I had every intention to ignore Austin and I did but it was difficult when he wouldn't quit roaming around me, stealing glances at me every minute, going on with his eye contact game like his life depended on it. I noticed him but pretended like I didn't.

"What is with you two? Did you talk to him?"

"Yes and he said he'll reduce the intake. So I guess that's it."

"But then why are you like this?"

"Like what?" I spit.

"Like he wants to talk to you and you are hiding away from him."

"NO I am not." I told her and she rolled her eyes, but she was right and I knew it.

I open my hair loose and bring a bunch of curly strands in front of my face and ruffled them with my hand, pretending to steady the messy ones as I stole a quick glance at Austin. He was talking to a girl-nay, she was talking to him and he was nodding but he wasn't listening. He was looking at me and kept staring till I quit and looked away.

"You know there are two types of lying. One, that is simple-that you tell to everyone and they believe you and the other, dangerous one, the one that you tell yourself and force yourself to believe the untruth. An easy way out." Margo said and it hit me.

Okay, maybe I did go over the board with it. I should calm down.