[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

59.

For the next few days, I tried to ignore the situation. I tried to imagine that my ex wasn't pregnant. I tried to ignore that I was in love with Lily. The way she'd held me all night had not helped matters. I had nearly told her the truth but I was terrified of scaring her away. Why couldn't there be a world where we were together and I didn't have to tell her I might have got someone pregnant?

I couldn't control myself any longer. All I wanted to do was forget everything and just pretend Lily and I were together. My bandmates and crew had all gone out for food before a show and I found her sitting alone with a book in her bunk.

'Hey Dan.' She smiled. She'd taken everything so well. She had given me space and not pushed me to explain a thing. I leaned in and kissed her right on the lips, making her laugh nervously.

'I'm sorry I've been a shit.' I told her.

'Is everything sorted?' She asked. I nodded. Lying. 'Good. I told you everything would be ok.' She smiled that beautiful smile and kissed me back. She moved up the bunk, giving me a little space to lie down beside her. I held her so her head was just under my chin and our hands were entwined. She was playing with my fingertips, assessing how much bigger my hands were than hers. If we could just stay like this and imagine I hadn't just put myself on a path to self destruction, then I could stay happy.

After a few hours of snuggling and falling in and out of sleep, I noticed the time. I still needed a shower and to find clean clothes for that night. I kissed her forehead and told her I'd be back in a minute. I hated using the bus shower. I could barely stand up in it but I wanted to avoid the outside world for as long as possible. But it did allow me to do some thinking.

I should tell her. Maybe she wouldn't be as furious as I imagined. After all, Emma had cheated on me and we had broken up. I'd done nothing wrong. Except maybe not disclosing the whole truth to all the people involved. I just hoped she didn't see me as deceitful as it wouldn't be the first time I'd done something like this.

I got dressed and saw that Lily wasn't in the bunk. I walked into the living area, drying my hair with a towel.

'Babe, I think we should get a hotel tonight you know, have some time alone, just the two of us. There's something I want to tell you-' but Lily wasn't there. Kyle was. I watched the realization sweep across his face.

'What are you two...oh my god...are you...' Kyle stammered.

'Kyle-' I began.

'Dan what the hell is going on? You've been cheating on Emma...?'

'Technically I've been cheating on Lily.' I sighed. There was no point in lying anymore.

'What?'

'Yeah. Well. Lily might sort of, kind of, maybe be my wife.'

'Your wife?!' Kyle let out some sort of mixture of laugh and terrified howl. 'You never thought to mention you're married? Like, not even once?' He demanded to know.

'It's not exactly something I wanted to talk about. I didn't really know if we were still married.' This was incredibly hard to speak about. Out loud for the first time.

'How could you not know? Are you divorced?' All the while, a smirk was on his face.

'Well, no, technically not but-'

'Technically not? What does that even mean?' He wasn't even letting me explain myself before jumping down my throat. 'You know what, I thought something funny was going on here.'

'Look, can we let this go?' I sighed.

'Let it go? She's our new boss. And you want us to just pretend this chick isn't your wife?' I felt anger rush up inside me. This chick. 'Does Emma know?' He asked carefully, turning around as if she was stood behind him.

'No. And you can't say a word to either of them.'

'When did all this happen then?'

'Three or four years ago, I dunno.' I lied. I knew the exact date, because every year when it came around I found myself wondering where she was and if she was thinking about me.

'You just married some random woman and never saw her again?' He had guessed correct.

'Sort of.' I mussed. It did seem that way from the outside.

'This is hilarious.' I was glad Kyle found my horrendous situation a high point of his day. 'Have you been fucking her the whole tour?'

'We're not 'fucking' as you so politely put it. But no, not the whole tour. Emma and I sort of split for a couple of weeks.'

'I don't get it...are you gonna date them both? See which one you prefer?'

'No. It's not like that. I love Lily. I...it's just....Emma's...Emma's pregnant.'

'What?!'

'Oh, it gets worse, don't worry.' I had to laugh at this ridiculous and cruel twist. 'She doesn't know if I'm the dad.'

'Mate.' He gave me a massive hug. I knew he could be a shithead, but he probably was one of my closest friends. I should've told him sooner. 'What the hell are you going to do?'

'I have no idea.' I sighed. 'I have no fucking idea.' I buried my head in my hands and bit back the tears. Kyle was speechless for the first time in his life. But what could be said?

'Hey, sorry, I needed to run and grab batteries for my headset...' Lily came back into the room in a hurry. She noticed Kyle's pained expression and my own face, contorted in sadness. 'Dan?'

'He knows about us.'

'Kyle. Please. Don't tell anyone. Especially Woody.' She pleaded.

'Of course I won't.'

I hit the stage that night with my head spinning. This was the penultimate show. And after that I would need to make some huge decisions. Would Lily be expecting to see me once we weren't working together? How did I break it to her that I might have to stay with Emma? Because it would all come out eventually. Six months down the line when that baby arrived and it turned out to be mine, she would hate me for never mentioning it.