[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

5.

I'd just sort of stared at him for the first half an hour we spent in a local pub. Here was my brother, all grown up and in a band. It was a spooky coincidence that we had ended up working together.

It had been difficult speaking to Chris, or Woody as he was now known, to begin with. It felt like we had nothing in common apart from our shared childhood. I'd missed out on so much with him. He had never taken me for my first beer. He'd never covered for me if I'd been out all night. He'd never given me the answers for tests he'd already taken. In the eight years we'd been out of contact, so much had changed for both of us. The last time he'd seen me was the night I was thrown out the house and I remembered him standing in the window, crying. He was eighteen at the time but not big or strong enough to fight for me. And maybe a little part of me was resentful for that. He was my big brother. He was supposed to fight for me.

We didn't like the same films. We didn't like the same music. But we did quite like football. So we had that. Blood and football. He was a nice guy with a great sense of humour. He had some brilliant stories to tell from his years with the band. He said how he'd had a flyer through his door of his London house he shared with his girlfriend Heidi. I had to bite my tongue at that point. I'd gone to his house without even knowing. He'd been in the home Dan and I had shared as I slept upstairs, the night I ran away. Our paths had failed to entirely cross until today, but had been running parallel the whole time.

Within a few hours the obvious topic of our parents had come up. Each of them now retired but still living in Plymouth. I dared to ask the most important question. I wasn't ready for the answer, but I wanted it out of the way. I couldn't have it hanging over me anymore.

'Do they...do they talk about me?' He smiled sadly and placed a hand on my shoulder.

'All the time.' He spoke softly. I took a deep breath in and exhaled before bursting into tears. I hadn't meant to. But the rush of emotion was overpowering. 'Hey, hey it's ok.' He shushed me, trying to calm me down but seeming like he didn't know what to do. I felt bad for putting him in this situation. He hadn't asked for this.

'I'm so sorry for what I did. If I could go back and-'

'You shouldn't be sorry. You did what you thought was right. Whatever happened to the...the baby?' He said the words so carefully. It must've been playing on all their minds the whole time.

'I lost it. I broke up with Steven a long time ago.' I didn't want to tell him anything more. No one needed to know what had happened between the day I was thrown out and now. Not the struggle or the horrors I'd faced. I didn't want anyone feeling pity or guilt for me.

'You should ring Mum.' He said, sliding his phone across the table. I stared at it in fear. What if she didn't want to talk to me? Sure they might have spoken about me, but it was very different to wanting to know me. I shook my head. 'Lillian.' He said sternly. I had to laugh. He was going all big brother on me. 'I'm ringing her later anyway. Either you tell her or I do.'

'What do I say?'

'Just...just say hi.' He was already typing the number in and had pressed dial. It was now or never. I put the phone to my ear and held my breath.

'Hey Chris, everything ok?' I heard her voice and instantly broke down. He reached for my hand across the table, urging me to speak. 'Chris?'

'Mum?' I said the word I hadn't said in a long time.

'Lillian?' She replied after a moment. 'Is that you?'

'Its me, Mum.'

The rest of the conversation consisted of us crying and apologising. Woody had to take the phone back a few times to calm Mum down. I told her I never meant it hurt her. She told me she was angry but she didn't think I would listen and I wouldn't actually leave. They'd tried to find me. They'd searched high and low but the police didn't care and wouldn't help. The whole time I had been too scared to reach out to them but they'd been looking for me, waiting for me to come home.

I promised I'd come and see her as soon as I could. I told her I'd take care of Woody.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. I drove Woody home, briefly meeting Heidi and being introduced as his long lost sister. It still all felt surreal. That morning I'd been scared about making the right impression. And I'd gained my family back instead.

Being with Woody and now speaking with my Mum had at least temporarily pushed Dan from my mind. But once I was in bed, going through everything that happened that day, he was all I could think about. How the hell was I supposed to work with him?