[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

10.

I was still cringing at what had happened earlier. I didn't know who was more embarrassed. When I'd seen her, I just couldn't tear my eyes away. Not in a perverse way, but just out of shock. I'd seen the scar across her back from when her kidney had been removed and it made me realise this was all very real. This just kept getting worse by the second. I didn't know how much longer I'd hold out.

For four years I'd kept what happened to myself. It was bad enough that she'd walked out on me after only a week. But it was harder knowing that it had been my fault. I had driven her away with my selfish ways. I'd been wracked with guilt the entire time. For the first few months I felt sick with worry; where was she? Was she safe? I knew Steven was locked away, but what was stopping her going back to Leeds and going back down the path she'd been on before we met on that train? I had driven up there to find the flat boarded up. I'd asked neighbours if they'd seen her. After a few hours of hanging around, I was sure she hadn't returned.

But where was she? On the streets? The very place I'd tried to keep her from. Maybe she'd finally gone to her parents? I rang them, getting nothing but abuse from her father that they hadn't seen her in years and never wanted to.

During the court case she hadn't showed up to give evidence or as a witness. I stayed the whole time, all three weeks, but not once did she appear. He was still convicted despite the lack of her testimony. I wondered if she knew? If she'd been following it on the news?

Each night I came home I hoped she'd be there, as though nothing had happened. And then the band had started getting big and I was rarely in London. She was gone, forever. And that's when I'd met Emma. And within weeks, it had been too late to tell her I was married.

I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was. That I would like to put it all behind us and move on. Not knowing where she was made it hard to let her go. There would always be part of me that loved her. I missed her constantly. I had missed her laugh and her incessant chatter. I missed how she used to curl up under my arm when we watched tv.

And now she was here and I didn't feel relief. I felt trapped.