[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

57.

I wanted to tell Lily so badly. I knew what I was doing was cruel. But how could I break it to her that my ex was pregnant? It would destroy her. I would give anything to go back in time and change this. I'd never been in this situation before and it was devastating. And only made worse by the fact that Emma couldn't be 100% sure the baby was even mine. It was going to be a waiting game until it arrived before we knew whose it was. And I was going to stick by her. How could I not?

I was furious at her. She had put me in an impossible position. But I couldn't risk leaving her if the baby was mine. I refused to let my child grow up without a father around.

'I am so sorry.' She had sobbed over and over. I knew she'd made a mistake and she was only human, but because of that mistake a very innocent child was being brought into the world. I had been raised by my amazing father and the idea of my own child not having that support wasn't an option.

I told her she could stay at mine. That we would work at our relationship. But I could hardly look at her. I stayed on the sofa for the final three nights of my week off, but I didn't sleep. So many thoughts were cursing through me. A baby. Emma. Lily. Just when Lily and I had moved on and looked like we could get back together, this had happened. I still hadn't told Emma about Lily. And now I couldn't. I didn't want anything to upset her even more. Afterall, that baby could be mine and it's welfare was my main concern.

'Whats going on?' Lily demanded to know, cornering me in the dressing room just before that nights show.

'Nothing.' I tried to shrug it off.

'Its not nothing. I don't understand why you're ignoring me. What have I done?'

'You've done nothing. I can't speak about it...I just can't.'

'I can help.'

'No one can help.'

'Are you in trouble?' She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

'Yes.' I whispered.

'Money? Have you done something bad?'

'No it's not anything like that...Lily, I just...I can't do this anymore. We can't do this anymore...' I had to lie to her. The truth was much worse.

I saw the pain in her eyes before she turned around and marched out the room.