Romanogers - Oneshots

What you lost

So this is kind of weird and I'm nervous to post this but hang on. Based from a scene from 11x22 of Grey's Anatomy, Amelia's breakdown after Derek's death. I suggest you watch the clips even if you don't watch the show, as it will probably convey what I'm trying to achieve better than the actual writing.

"I'm sorry, Steve." Tony mutters, resting a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Sorry for what?" Steve turns around, eyebrows raised. Tony's hand drops to his side and he frowns.
"About...About Natasha." He replies.
"I'm sorry for you too, Tony. She was your oldest friend here, right? After Rhodey?" Tony flinches, then shakes his head a little.

He doesn't want to think about that right now. How, Steve was right, his oldest friend was gone, and he never really apologised for the things he said to her during the civil war. She seemed to have forgotten about it, forgiven him, but it was all Tony could think about since. Those words went round and round in his head. It must be hard to shake the double agent thing, sticks in the DNA. The look she gave him, that of disbelief and absolute betrayal, like their situations reversed. And beneath that, an expression of complete hurt. He knew then he'd bruised in a place that might never heal, that it could be unforgivable. He'd taken slight satisfaction as he said it, but knew he'd gone too far immediately after, regret filling him instantaneously. He'd never forget the look on her face then.
But he could dwell on that later. Avenge her later. He wasn't here for himself.

"Yeah well...I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know you two were close."

"She was close to all of us. We're all close. We're family."

Tony frowns, confused. What is going on? He's just trying to -
Steve starts to walk away, but Tony puts a hand on his arm to pull him back. He turns and crosses his arms.

"Why are you deflecting everything?"
"I'm not."
"Yes, you are. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you lost."
"I lost a friend, same as everyone else. I'd prefer if we could all move on and return to the real job at stake here. That possible?"
Tony was shocked. Steve has never been this offhand, least of all disrespectful. Natasha was dead. And it sounded like he didn't even plan to mourn.

"A friend? Just a friend, Steve? Please don't pretend, you lost more than any of us. You lost a lot more than a friend." He pauses a second. "Everyone could see the way you two felt about each other. If you won't acknowledge it, I will, or will force you to." Tony perseveres. Steve looks away, but something has changed in his face. His eyes look wet, lip slightly trembling. If he's honest, Tony just wants to pull him into a hug. He looks as if he's about to break.

"Hey, it's okay to grieve, Steve. It's okay to mourn."
"No, no it's not. I can't...I can't dwell on this. I need to move on." Steve shakes his head.
"You can't avoid this, Steve! There's no way to dodge this pain, go around it or push it out the way, you need to move through it! Face it head on and feel everything!"
"I can't, I can't. Not again."
"Yes, yes you can." Tony encourages. There's a pause. Then Steve looks Tony right in the face, devastation etched into every line.

"Nat's dead." A tear slides down his cheek. "Uh, she died." Then his face crumples. Those words still feel like a knife twisting in Tony's heart, and he looks on at the scene about to unfold with sad eyes, but he holds back his own grief. Again, he's not here for himself. He moves forward as if to touch him, comfort him, but Steve flinches away.

Steve let's out a sort of a choke as his face screws up and a hand rests in a sort of claw over his heart as he hunches. "I don't want to feel it. I don't think I can. I don't even want to think-"

He puts his head in his hands, palms pushing against his eyes, fingers curling painfully in his hair, sounding wretched. "I can't. I can't. I-"
Tony clamps a hand on Steve's arm as he shakes his head. "No, Steve. You have to. If you don't-"

Steve forces his voice over Tony. "No, shut up! I can't do this. I-" He shakes his head repeatedly, perhaps trying to shake out every grain of memory he's avoiding.

"Steve. You have to, if you don't, you will never get over this. You will never be able to some to terms with it, it will haunt you forever. You have to feel this, move through the pain. Please."

And for the first time, Steve looks him in the eye. He catches Tony's eye and holds it as his eyes begin the water, lips begin the tremble, shoulders shake, hands quiver, breath quickens. And he drops to the floor, letting out a sob of such raw emotion, pure grief, sorrow, that Tony feels like (never mind a tug) someone is sawing at his heartstrings.

He kneels in front of Steve, wrapping his arms around the man who's so large, but seems so small, so crumpled in this moment. Steve's arms reciprocate weakly, gripping to the fabric of Tony's shirt with barely any strength, as if it left him when the love of his life did. Because Love is man's greatest strength.

Tony hugs him as seemingly each wave crashes over Steve, eliciting more sobs. The cries of someone broken. Perhaps beyond repair.
"You will get through this. You will survive this, you can come back. We will survive this."
So they stay like that. For who knows how long. Until their joints stiffen and their knees ache from kneeling on the hard wood. Until Steve's tears stop. Until Steve begins to accept what he lost.

This hurts me, not least of all as the scene it's based on kills me every time. Caterina Scorsone is brilliant.

Adaptions were made, obviously, as Steve does not have the past of a recovering drug addict.

Did you like this idea? I might do more of these 'based on' things if this is acceptable.

PS: A little Tony/Nat because that is what we call an underrated friendship.
I'm also kinda getting Stony feels, though that was unintentional.