Don't Go [Muke Clemmings]

Chapter Eighteen

Oh my God just as I started to write this, she keeps me warm by Mary Lambert came on IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE!

Dear Jamie,

I am so sorry for everything I did. I hate myself for it all. I am a terrible person and I don't deserve your love, I never did. But just in case you happen to still feel the same about me, here's the letter you asked for.

The first thing I did wrong wasn't kissing Luke. The first thing was asking you out when I was already dating Freddie. He didn't deserve to be cheated on either. I should have broken up with him as soon as I saw you, because that was the moment I started to love someone that wasn't him.

Normally people are punished for bad things they've done, normally they end up thinking it was the worst mistake of their life, but this most definitely wasn't. I wasn't punished for it, I got you, and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Of course, being a screw up such as myself, I had to ruin that. I knew that you loved me, and I had to go ahead and cheat on you with your best friend. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone.

It's my own fault that you're where you are. If I had only picked you up when Luke called me, you would have been home safe when your idiot friend Michael crashed into a tree. Yeah, I know he was drunk, but it still makes me mad.

The thing is, I knew you were still mad at me, and I hadn't written this apology letter yet. I was being a coward, so I told Luke I would only pick you up if he would write the letter for me. He said no, like a normal person would. It's really hard to write an entire three thousand words about something that has nothing to do with you. Well, it did technically have something to do with him, but I think you get what I mean.

I asked him how come he was able to write his own essay but not mine. That was when I found out that he didn't write his letter, and you still forgave him. At first I was mad. I was jealous that you forgave him automatically, but you needed a three thousand word apology letter to forgive me.

So far my list of wrongs was:

·cheating

·questioning the need for an apology letter

·waiting so long to write said apology letter

·refusing to pick you up because I was scared

·asking Luke to write the letter for me, and

·getting mad at you when I was the only one to blame.

Well, technically, Luke was to blame, too... but that's not the point.

Anyway, after that, Michael and Luke called me and told me you were in the hospital, in a coma. I rushed here as soon as I could. Apparently Michael hadn't known exactly what happened, though, because when he found out, he full on lectured me about how I didn't deserve you. He said you had done everything for him, for Luke, for me, that if I would ever cheat on you and let you slip away, I deserved the consequences, and he was right. I don't deserve you, but you're all I need. You can help me become better, you can save me. We all know I'm fûcked up, and we all know you're the only one in the entire universe who could un-fûck me.

I know I'm no where near three thousand words, so I'm going to continue writing. Maybe I'll use this extra space to convince you to at least talk to me, if not give me another chance.

Do you remember when we were eleven years old? We met on the first day of 6th grade, when everybody thought gay was a bad thing. Of course, no one bothered you, because if they did, you could always punch them in the face and you would never get in trouble because they started it. If they tried to tell you it was wrong, if they used words against you, you would come up with something brilliant to make them wish they had never been born. Of course, you would never say it, because you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you would say, "Okay, then, we can't have a relationship, big deal," and move on. Some of them wouldn't even know what you meant because they were just that stupid.