Testing waters

Ch.17 Blood

We made it to the cafeteria today but we were not alone. Sometimes I forget how popular Ryan is because whenever I'm with him it's usually just us but today today his friends thought it would be nice if they tagged along and I stood there looking awkward right next to Ryan. We all got our lunch and I sat down next to Ryan and all his friends and girls that wanted to be his friends crowded the table. Ryan was soon engulfed in conversation and I sat there silent ignoring glares. "So your Savannah right?" Some kid asked that was sitting across from me. "Yeah" I said and I picked at the lasagna on my plate and just decided to eat the salad I bought but I would much rather be eating a hamburger right now but that's not an option.

"Cool I'm Cameron" he said and flashed me a toothy smile. "Nice to meet you" I said using my social skills but what did it matter I was surrounded by high school boys. "Yeah you too" he said. Ryan soon turned back in my direction and started talking to me. I sighed with relief of not needing to look like a headless chicken anymore at this table and gladly started talking with him while I felt holes being burned into my back by the jealous girls around us.

Soon lunch was over and I watched as Ryan was mobbed by friends and girls as he walked down the hallway and in that moment I realized I didn't even deserve Ryan he had to many friends and I was just one of them I realized that I didn't even mean that much to him.

I quickly turned around back to my locker to grab my books for my next class but as always Dustin Tristan and Jenna were always there when I was already upset. "Aww what's wrong savvy?" Jenna said sarcastically. "Just stop ok" I said and started to pick up my pace down the hallway. "Savvy don't run we just want to help" Tristan said smiling. "He said don't run" Jenna said and she grabbed my arm. "Why haven't you killed yourself yet savvy? Huh is Ryan keeping you alive?" She spat. I didn't answer. "He doesn't care about you savvy no one does not even your own dad your just going to be doing everyone a favor" she snickered and I tried pushing her arm away but she had to tight of a grip. She finally let go i i examined the bright red mark on my skin. She was right no one cared about me why was I even alive anymore? In that moment I could barely take it everything she said stung it stung because it was all the truth I didn't deserve to be alive anymore.

I grabbed my back and ran out the door of the school. All the teachers were in classrooms so no one saw me slip past my class room out the door. I felt the tear pour down my cheeks as I ran through the front door of my house and bolted up the stairs to my bathroom locking myself inside. I grabbed my razor and carefully took out the blades and held them in my hand. I weeped quietly as the blade made contact with the skin of my wrists. I looked down at the blood that was starting to drip on the cold tiles of my bathroom floor. I continued to make more marks and sobbed until I started to feel light headed and dropped the razor on the ground and leaned against the wall gripping a towel around my wrist.

Soon the blood stopped and I cleaned up the mess and placed the razor in the cabinet and wiped the tears from my swollen red puffy eyes and collapsed onto my bed, my dad wouldn't know I missed school since he doesn't come home until later but like Jenna said he probably wouldn't even care.

Ryan's POV:

After lunch I walked with my friends to my locker but didn't see Savannah anywhere near by. I thought I would catch up with her in our next class but she wasn't there either and that's when I started to get worried. I went through the day searching for her and by the time the last bell rang I bolted out the doors of the school pushing past people to her house I knew jasper wouldn't drive me there so I ran as fast as I could.

By the time I reached her house swear was dripping down the back if my neck and I was panting heavily before I stepped forward to nock on the door. At first there was no answer but then Savannah came out in a large sweatshirt her arms gripped tightly to her chest and she looked like she had been crying. "Sav what wrong you ditched without me" I said still gasping for air. She didn't answer but pursed her lips. "Just go away Ryan" she said quietly. "What why?" I asked trying to catch her eye contact but she kept looking away. "Just stop pretending and just go away!" She snapped. I stepped into the house and closed the door. "Savannah I am not going anywhere until I know for a fact that your ok" I said and took a step closer to her and grasped her hand.

She quickly shook it away and stepped back and collapsed onto the couch. "You were supposed to be my friend you know? But then I realized that you ate friends with everyone and I'm just one of them you don't really care about me I'm just the same as everyone! And I thought I would stay for you my friend but I can't handle it I can't Ryan! I CANT all I want to do is jus.." Her tears started to drip down her face and she could barely speak she was crying so hard. "What do you mean stay? Savannah your my beat friend you mean more to me than anything! Were you going to kill yourself?" I said my eyes were wide and I was just plain shocked. "But Jenna was right no one cares about me not even my dad! No one will ever love me I don't deserve to live" she said stopping for air between almost very word. "I love you Savannah, I love you"