Take My Hand

Chapter 18 - Closed Struggle

Ceuil looked into her mother’s soft, brown eyes, full of love and understanding.

I’ll always be on your side.

She felt them pulling her in, carressing and soothing her soul, assuring her of confidentiality and support. And for a moment, she wanted to tell her everything. To divulge the dirty deeds that she had stained her hands with, to let her bottled feelings burst forth in torrents and seek comfort and solace in the warmth she was promised.

Confusion and loss clung onto her, gripping her heart with an iron clutch. Sometimes they morphed into guilt and disgust, tormenting her with the moral atrocities she had committed out of spite, shadowing her every move. Yet deep down, Ceuil knew she hated Mitsue for stealing what belonged to her. Her pride still stung with the rejection, and her heart still wailed for her loss. It was a loss that no words could express, a loss that no one but her could ever understand.

For many nights, she struggled with the dilemma, her heart turning soft one moment, only to harden and crystallize into bitterness the next, especially when she saw Mitsue in person, or when she witnessed the thoughtfulness and kindness that Madara showered her with.

Despite her social isolation, despite the unkind whispers behind his back, despite having all odds against the two of them, he had always, always remained firmly by her side. Why? Just why? Ceuil did not understand. What was so special about Mitsue? She wanted help. She needed help. If only someone could enlighten her and save her from this misery, this labyrinth of hatred, guilt, despair and loss.

Ceuil regarded her mother. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed them again, her words lodged tightly in her throat. She knew. Everything was all but a honeyed facade. Mothers. Parents. Teachers. They were all the same. Always luring you in with the same kind words only to turn on you when they hear things they don’t like, see things they didn’t, and know things they shouldn’t.

I’ll always be on your side. Ceuil let out a small mental snort of contempt.

No, you wouldn’t, mom. Not after you hear of the dreadful things I have done to my classmate. Not after you know how I had made her suffer, and how I am going to make her suffer even more.

Blinking hard, Ceuil broke eye contact and sought sudden interest in her food, eluding the magic of her mother’s expectant gaze. She wolfed down her breakfast quickly, commenting on how delicious it was despite barely tasting it. All for the sake of leaving the awkward confrontation and intimacy that made her feel naked and exposed.

Her mother smiled sadly and withdrew, squeezing her shoulders one last time. ‘All right then. It’s okay if you don’t wish to talk about it. But I am always here if you need a listening ear.’

‘No I’m fine. Really. There’s nothing for you to worry about mom. I was just thinking hard on the proposal I was in charge of.’

Wiping her mouth delicately with the napkin, she slung her bag over her shoulder and made for the door, her mind a confusing mix of emotions as it returned to the deal she made with the neighbourhood gang of delinquents, too distracted by the thought to hear her mother wish her a good day.

Have I gone too overboard? Her conscience wrung her pretty hands nervously, not daring to meet the light of day.

No. The devil in her vocalized, strength and resolve in her sleek voice.

Really? Ceuil asked, turning her attention to the devil.

Yes.

Really?

A hundred yes. What you did, its alright.

No! Don’t listen to her, Ceuil! You are not a bad person! Don’t yield to jealousy! Her conscience cried out to be heard.

Shut up, Conscience. She deserved it. Thieves like her should be punished. That bitch deserved what is to come.

No! No girl deserves being sinned the way you planned for her to be! No-

With a sneer, Ceuil flipped her hair to the back of her shoulders and admired the blue sky, silencing Conscience with a triumphant shove out of her mind

It’s going to be a beautiful day.