The Story of Olivia Tracy

February 14, 1955

2/14/55

This is by far the hardest thing I'm going to write, following the hardest moment of my life. I don't know if words can explain the emptiness I am feeling. I am confused, I am broken, I am numb. The love of my life was buried today, and I just don't know where to go from here.

As I write this, my entire being is filled with regret. Even though no one is at fault, I still can't help but to feel responsible. How am I suppose to live feeling this way? Christopher didn't deserve to die. God only knows that if it was up to me, I would've gone instead.

But truthfully, I know that he still would've went, I know that he would've died for me, because he loved me that much.

This is a pain that I wouldn't wish on anybody, a pain that I no longer want to feel. To see someone that was so energetic and full of life just lay there lifeless... I don't know how I managed to even leave his casket. I can't even remember how I left the church.

He deserved to live, he deserves to be here to see his daughter grow up. This isn't fair to any of us, this isn't fair to her. She's just a baby.

How am I suppose to go on? I've prayed that God gives me the answers. The word says that he won't put more on you than you can bear, but I don't think I can handle this. I've prayed and prayed more than anytime of my life, and I just can't pray anymore. I really don't want to be here, I want to be with him. But I can't leave our daughter.

Why do things have to be this way? Why did we have to endure so much together? What is the purpose? Will I ever understand? To bring two people together and just rip them apart? I know that I'm not suppose to question God but I can't help it. What could be the purpose?

I love him. I didn't think I could ever love a man the way that I love him. He can't hold me anymore, I can't touch him, I can't give him kisses, and he can't play in my hair the way he likes. Not anymore, God I just don't understand why.

There are so many questions unanswered, so many things that I just don't understand about my life or any of this. But what I do know is that after today, I don't want to have anything to do with his brother and father.

That's the way Christopher had it, and that's the way I shall keep it.

Tonight marks my final entry. This journal has the best and absolute worst of my life. I can't find the strength to write another entry.

Christopher, I hope that you know that I love you. I'm so sorry baby. Our souls are tied forever. An unbreakable bond and a love that none can compare. You are my best friend, the love of my life, my eternity.

Olivia Tracy

**

"Honey, ya got eat somethin'."

Kneeling down near her daughter's side, Louise grabbed Olivia's hand as she sat on the carpeted floor.

Glossy eyed, she gave no response.

"Livie, I don't think I've seen ya eat anything since... please have somethin'."

"Mama I don't..." her head shook quickly. "How can ya expect me to? I don't have no appetite. I don't care about eatin'! Christopher can't eat!" Eyes welling, she shoved the plate aside. "Why should I?"

"Sweetheart please, I know, mama knows it's rough. But I know in my heart, that young man wouldn't want ya starvin' and sufferin'." she forced grin. "He'd probably say somethin' real smart and tell ya to eat, or maybe even try to feed ya himself."