The Story of Olivia Tracy

For Caroline

9/16/07

After months of uncertainty, last week the results show that I am dealing with Dementia. I can be devastated, I can be angry, but I am none of those things. Despite the unfortunate outcome, I am still thankful for the blessings I have been given. Even in this diagnosis, I know that I am blessed. Simply, God is always good.

I am writing this letter and placing it inside of something sacred, something dear to my heart.

This is for Caroline.

You reading this means that I have gone on now, to live eternally. I pray that my words provide you clarity for any misunderstandings. I pray that my words provide you comfort and love. As you read, I hope that you won't feel any hurt, or a sense of betrayal, for the choices I have made in my life were the best for me, and those dear to me. Please understand, I would never want to deceive or hurt anybody, I only wanted to protect.

This journal of mine documents some of the most pivotal events of my life. And after the biggest, I couldn't bear to write another word.

Here lies everything, this is my truth.

To Caroline, my greatest achievement, I love you more than words could ever express. You are the most wonderful gift that God has given me. If I could do it all over, Lord knows I wouldn't change a thing. You're all of me. From the hairs on your head to your feet, I always tell you that you're the best version of me. But there's just one thing that differs, and that's you having your daddy's eyes.

Your father Christopher loved you. That man loved you more than life itself. There was never a moment that he wasn't talking about you, loving on you, or taking care of you. The bond that you two shared for such a short time is indescribable, only those that witnessed the love can understand.

I want you to know that your father and I fought hard, and we dealt with plenty of difficult things, especially my miscarriage. It wasn't fair, but as I am able to look back, I think those times just show me how resilient we truly were. We loved each other so much, I still get butterflies just thinking about the feelings he gave me.

Those feelings are still with me, just as he is in my heart. Your father, I miss him, and I've quietly suffered everyday without him. But I see him, all the time with you and Lauren. God how I wish she could've met him. You don't know excited I was when she was born to see her come out looking so similar to him.

I know he would've loved that.

The moment I knew that I lost him, I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me, and I hated him. I hated him for breaking my heart and leaving me. He had promised me that we would be together forever, Christopher just wasn't suppose to leave without me.

I struggled badly, filled with guilt because we had argued shortly before. We were dealing with a lot, and I felt as if the relationship wasn't making us better.

I was wrong.

As time progressed, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't even want to live. But you were my only hope. I had to be there for you, and if it wasn't for you, I would've left too.

As far as your father's side of the family, I know that there is so much confusion there, but please let me explain.

I have never been one to harbor ill feelings, but without Christopher, there was absolutely no need in the world for me to keep in touch with them when he simply didn't while he was here. The damage was done, they had simply done enough, and I wasn't taking any chances allowing the only living piece of Christopher to be ruined.