I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 28

  Fannar and I are taking a stroll on the sand, and I can't help but remember all the times Alex refused to join me on one of my walks because he didn't want to walk barefoot and didn't want to ruin his shoes. Fannar doesn't care, barefoot and all.

The sky is lit with stars, but the moon is nowhere to be found. The waves crash peacefully on the shore, sometimes wetting my feet, other times, wetting only Fannar's who's walking closer to the water.

"That was interesting," Fannar says, talking about the double date.

"Interesting is one way of describing it."

Fannar turns slightly his head to face me and smiles. "Thanks for putting up with it. It was nice of you to roll with it."

I shrug as to say no biggie.

"Skylar told me she was being rude because she wants you back."

"When did she tell you that?"

"In the bathroom."

Fannar lets out what sounds like the beginning of a laugh. "What is it with women and bathrooms?"

"It's our meeting place," I answer with a small smile, all proud that, for once, I'm the one explaining something to Fannar and not the other way around.

I wait for Fannar to say something back. When he doesn't, I ask, "Do you want her back?" I already know the answer, he won't. He really is over her.

How does that feel, getting over someone? Being over someone? How does he know he's over her? Does it just... leave? How does it work?

"I don't," Fannar answers after a second of hesitation which makes me doubt how "over'' her he truly is.

"How come?"

"I just don't like her anymore." He looks around the beach and then sits on the sand. So much for his beige pants. He pats the place next to him, letting me know he wants me to sit next to him. I do. The sand is cold but feels wet, and the waves gently crash on the shore a few feet in front of us. It's so quiet, here, on the beach, at night. Everyone is on the boardwalk, no one bothers to take a walk on the beach. They should, though. There is something almost therapeutic in walking on the beach, or looking at the horizon.

"Don't you think it's kinda scary? Loving someone and then not loving them anymore?"

"I don't think I was in love,'' Fannar says it in such a way that it makes me wonder if he has ever admitted that to anyone else.

Or even to himself.

"But you thought you were."

"True. But I wasn't."

"How do you know?"

Fannar doesn't answer. And then, "Because I spent more time being miserable than happy."

A part of me wants to rest my head on his shoulder. It wouldn't be flirting, would it? And, even if it does, that's not what I want to do. I'm just tired, and Fannar's shoulder is inviting.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

We both look straight in front of us, at the ocean and the waves coming and going and coming and going.

"Do you get bored of the ocean?" I ask. It comes out as a whisper. Even if we're alone on the beach at this time of night, I feel like whispering.

Fannar smiles. I don't see him, but I feel it in the way his cheek hardens.

"You're still on that? It's not bored. It's taking for granted." Even though he told me this at least fifteen times, he still doesn't seem annoyed by it.