I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 43

 I'm not having fun. Alex and I are at a milkshake place that only serves mint and chocolate chip milkshakes and fries and I just can't stand it. Alex didn't plan this date because he knows me, Fannar planned it. I know he did. Alex just took the idea. Alex doesn't know me. I don't know Alex. I knew Alex. And I was naive enough to think people didn't change. But they do. Which is a great thing. But, right now, I'm talking to Alex and it's like we're strangers talking about the weather. But we aren't strangers. I was in love with him.

"How's the organization coming along for your sister's bachelorette party?" Alex asks once we've ordered. He didn't even order a milkshake, just a cheeseburger.

"Good. Julia and I went on Pinterest for three hours and liked, I think, about two hundred pictures and ideas and─ am I annoying you?"

Alex shakes his head and smiles. "You aren't." To prove his point, he says, "Continue. What are you thinking of doing?"

"Karaoke. At first, I was scared they wouldn't let me go in because I'm not twenty-one, but Julia knows a guy."

Alex chuckles and I suddenly remember why I fell for him to begin with. I remember why I fell for him, but I haven't fallen back for him. A part of me, I think, has always believed I would marry him one day, has always thought we were soulmates. But another part tells me that I met him to prepare myself for my real soulmate. Because Alex is looking at me with those gorgeous eyes of his, this mischievous gleam in them, and I know if I were sixteen again my entire being would be shouting how much I wanted to be with him, to be his. But now... now I want Fannar.

"Will you throw one for Nia?" Alex wonders.

"Her parents will."

Alex nods and we both look around the little diner. Where is our food? Food, please come.

"So..." I start once it's clear our food isn't coming soon. "Are you going to the wedding?"

"Are you kidding? Free food and cool DJs? Hell yeah!"

I pretend to laugh. "Have you ever been in love?" I ask him.

"What?" I took him off guard, I know it, but I always wanted to know the answer. He's all cocky and flirty, but has he ever felt... felt what love feels like?

"I know you date many girls, but were you ever in love?"

"Have you?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Once." I almost add with you, but I can't. Because it felt like love two years ago but now, now that I've grown, I'm not so sure. It was love back then, it was love when I didn't know any better. And I'm not ready to admit my feelings for him.

"With who?" Alex asks.

"You answer first."

"Once. I was fifteen, and it was grandiose and I thought I was going to marry her. And then she cheated on me, and it f**ked me up, man." He runs his fingers through his hair. "Since then, I've been pretty much... closed off? I've had crushes and all, but not the real thing." I see his eyes hesitate before he asks me his question again. "Tell me about the guy you fell in love with. Wait! Hold up! You told me that you never dated anyone besides Fannar. How could you have fallen in love with someone if you haven't even dated them? Were you--- are you in love with Fannar?"

...

No?

The waiter arrives at this moment. He gives us my milkshake and Alex's burger. He leaves, and I feel Alex's eyes on me. I look straight into his eyes, "Love is a strange thing. I don't know why I even fell for him. There was just something about him."

"And you never told him?"

"No." I take a sip of my milkshake.

"Why did you stop loving him?"

"I don't know."

"Wanna show me a picture of him?"

I smile. "Maybe some other time."

*****

Alex walks me home. He is sweet and he keeps the conversation going, but all I'm thinking about as we cross couples dancing and walk on the sand is that I want to be with Fannar. Where Alex asks me questions, Fannar wants to understand my answers.

"I had a really nice time," I assure Alex once we've arrived at my front door. It's night time, the moon is up, the stars are lighting up the sky and the crickets are singing. It would be a wonderful time to kiss.

"Me too." Alex flashes me a smile. "We should do this again."

I'm about to object, when Alex adds, smiling, "As friends. I know you're not interested in me that way."

Part of me wants to ask if he's interested in me that way, but I don't because I already know the answer. We were meant to meet but never meant to be.

"Sorry," is what I say instead.

"No worries." He looks around a little. "You should tell him that you loved him, the guy you were in love with."

"But I don't anymore."

"Just for closure."

I nod. "I'll think about it."

Alex shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. "I should get going."

"Right."

He turns around and goes down the stairs. At the last step, he spins to face me again. "And you should tell Fannar, too."

"What?" My eyes widen and my mouth forms an O.

"I'm not an idiot."

"I never said─"

"And you're not an idiot, too. Tell him you like him."

"I─ I─ Wh─"

He smiles at me again. "Good night, Em."

And he disappears into the darkness.

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I'll post the next two chapters tomorrow :))

Have a great day ;)