I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 36

  I've spent my entire existence trying to find a way to express how amazing and peaceful and magical the ocean is without plagiarizing on Pinterest quotes. And I just can't. The ocean is the oldest thing on earth. It has seen things, has felt things. It is the cause of the loss of so many, and the reason people find their way back home. There is something in the way the waves crash on the sand that is reassuring and exciting at the same time. The wave will get rejected by the sand and go back to the ocean, that's a fact but, at the same time, no one knows how far it'll go.

The ocean, that's the best cure. For anything. Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken soul.

I look like an ogre, yet I deserve someone who looks at me and sees magic.

And I'm pretty sure I no longer love ─ or like in an insanely intense way ─ Alex. And that was the only thing I was certain of for the last three years. Everything else changed or is about to change, but my feelings for Alex were always there, guiding me and moving me and following me wherever I went. And I just let go.

Without my feelings for Alex, I am a totally different person than the girl I was at fourteen. And that's a terrifying thought.

"Ella-Mae! Ella-Mae!"

I turn around, my back now facing the horizon, and wave back at Lavender-haired girl ─ Arianna. It's been a while since I've seen her, but she runs towards me like we're the oldest of friends.

"How are you?" I ask. I make my way through her, my toes pushing on the burning sand, getting wet sometimes by stronger waves before I finally arrive at her level.

"I'm good, actually. I've got some news." She beams and I know exactly what she's going to tell me. "Henry and I... we're official now.."

I squeal ─ actually squeal. "That's so wonderful, Arianna! I'm so happy for you!"

Arianna is smiling like a maniac. "Thanks. We're not at the same college, but we'll make it work. Anyway... I just wanted to thank you."

I narrow my eyes. "Me? What did I do?"

She laughs a little and touches my arm playfully. "You were the one who told me to go for it!"

"You were the one who did it."

Arianna laughs again like I'm an innocent, cute girl. "Still. I wanted to thank you..." She pauses and looks around the beach. I guess she's making sure no one can hear what' she's about to say next. No one is there. It's only nine a.m., and the teens are still sleeping. Some children are running around with kites a little further away from where I usually swim. No clouds in the sky. No wind. Green flag. Perfect day. "I think you should follow your own advice."

I blink again. What is she talking about?

She answers to my un-said question. "I know you're not dating Fannar for real." What─How... Skylar. "But I think you like him. In a non-pretend way. And he likes you too. I can see it. Everyone can see it." She looks around the beach again. "He looks at you... he looks at you like you're the ocean. And you look at him like everything you ever wanted is right there in front of you."

He looks at me like I'm the ocean?

Okay, I need to figure out how he looks at me. Like a Disney princess, like the ocean. And yet, I look like an ogre. Does Fannar look at me like I'm magic? Not that I want him to. I just...

Maybe a part of me kinda wants him to.

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"You aren't denying it," she points out.