I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 47

Ella-Mae: Hey! Gavin told me you were with Skylar... To be honest, I don't know how to ask you a question without sounding like a jealous friend...

Fannar doesn't answer. He doesn't answer all throughout dinner. He doesn't answer all throughout the desert. All throughout Julia's Oh-My-God-My-Hair-Is-So-Ugly soliloquy. All throughout Melanie's Can-You-Shut-Up-Have-You-Seen-My-Hair speech. All throughout Mom's At-Least-You-Both-Have-Hair angry talk.

At midnight, I decide to go for a walk. I need to talk to Sabrina. No, I need to talk to Fannar. I could go to his house or I could call him. Why didn't I call him?

My phone vibrates.

Fannar: So sorry I didn't text you back.

Fannar: So sorry I didn't show up without telling you.

Fannar: Can I call you?

I want to refuse. I'm tired and I haven't slept well in a long time. I should refuse. I shouldn't rely on him. But I have never been able to say no to him.

*****

I'm laying on a towel in front of the beach. I'm usually terrified of being alone at night, but that's not the case when I'm near the ocean. Nothing will ever happen to be at the ocean. Nothing bad at least.

My phone is on speaker, positioned next to me. I pretend Fannar is laying next to me on the towel. That we are looking at the stars together. That─ I shut my eyes close. I have to stop. I have to stop.

"Again, I'm so sorry," Fannar repeats for the fifth time after he asks me how I'm doing.

"Stop it!" I smile. "It's okay." I wait for him to speak, but he doesn't. "Sooo... Are you explaining or..."

"Right!" I can practically hear him smile.

There is something about being with Fannar ─ even virtually ─ that makes me feel completely and utterly happy. Fannar is like the human form of the ocean.

"I was about to get ready to leave Shooters when Skylar came in and she asked to talk." His voice on the phone doubles. It's like he's saying the sentence twice. A first time, louder, like he's really next to me, and a second time, a split second later, quieter. "Sooo... Are you going to get up and look behind you or will I have to just walk in front of you."

I jolt upwards. I turn my head.

Fannar!

I clap my hands together in surprise and I have to fight back every instinct yelling to get up and jump into his arms. I am not his. I don't even... Ha. I can't lie anymore. I do like him. Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid heart. And lungs. And stomach. And mind. Stupid, stupid heart. Stupid Fannar, what have you done? What have you done to me?

"What─" I start. "What are you doing here?"

"Making up for ditching you." He flashes me a smile. It's a confident smile, but I know he's nervous. Well, I hope he's nervous. It would make me feel less pathetic knowing he has butterflies in his stomach as I do. "Can I?" He gestures the towel with his chin.

I nod. He takes a seat next to me, supporting his body with his hand behind him.

"It's midnight," I say.

Fannar laughs a little. My stomach squeezes in.

"It is,"

"Don't you work early tomorrow?"

"Do you know my schedule by heart?"

Yes.

"No." My smile betrays me. I nudge him in the ribs. "You owe me an explanation."