I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 50

  Outside the karaoke bar, everything is lights and people and sounds. I inhale. I cannot have a derealization moment now. Not now. I inhale again, exhale, and focus on Alex's eyes filled with question marks. Too many people around me talking about too many different things, and I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say─

"Are you okay?'' Alex asks, resting a hand on my arm.

I nod even though I say, "No.'' I look around, and everything seems to slow down and go 300 miles an hour at the same time.

Not now. Not a derealization moment now. Please. Please.

"Wanna go somewhere else to talk?'' Alex proposes.

I don't have time to accept. Alex walks towards the beach, forcing me to follow by checking behind him every two seconds to make sure I'm still walking. He takes off his shoes once he arrives at the sand level. I follow him on the cold sand, and we walk together underneath the stars and the palm trees until we find beach chairs.

I feel better already, but my heart is still hammering in my chest. I don't know if it's because of what I'm about to admit to Alex or because of the almost-derealization moment. Inhale. Exhale. I look at Alex whose lying on the beach chair, one hand under his head and the other on his stomach.

"You good now?''

"Yeah... Thanks.''

Alex doesn't answer back. I know it's his way of telling me that I'm the one who should be talking and that he will listen to me without interrupting.

Where should I begin? That I like Fannar? That I liked him? That I made a pact with Fannar because I liked him? Why isn't there some kind of book to guide me through all this? Why can't Fannar be here with me? Or Julia? Or Sabrina?

Sabrina. Sabrina doesn't know about my pact with Fannar. I need to tell her, too. She will be furious. She will be disappointed that I thought I couldn't trust her. Oh my goodness! Why did I agree to this in the first place? Inhale. Exhale.

"Em?'' Alex says my name like a whisper. "Are you sure you're okay?''

"Yeah!'' My voice sounds too cheerful. "I just don't know how to tell you what I'm about to tell you.''

Alex smiles. "I know what you're going to say.''

I narrow my eyes. "You do?''

"Yeah! You have a crush on me.'' I flinch. "No biggy, it's cool. I just see you as a friend, to be honest, but, hey, maybe we could─''

"I don't,'' I let out.

"You what?''

"I don't have a crush on you.'' Oh god, oh god! I look at the stars. Give me a sign! Write the script in the sky! But not even the palm trees move. "I used to, though. I thought... I thought I was in love with you.'' I laugh a little to banalize the situation. The wind blows, and I take it as a sign that I'm doing okay. "And, well, umm... Please don't judge... Fannar and I made a pact.'' I can't look at him. I don't even know if Alex is looking at me. Someone, though, I manage to explain everything. Our awkward date, our pact, the flirting, how I started, well, falling for him. "He doesn't know that, though. So I'd appreciate if you didn't say anything. I'm really sorry I lied to you. I just thought... I don't know what I thought.'' I wait for Alex to say something. To yell at me or laugh or do something. When he doesn't, I say, "I'm done, now. You can speak.''

Alex exhales all the air he appeared to have been holding. I still don't look at him, but I know he just messed up his hair. A bird flies by and lands on the sand a few feet away from me. I wish I were a bird. I'd be able to fly away and see the world and get away with everything I do. I'd sing well, too. I'd get to touch the sky and see the stars from a closer point of view. The bird swallows a fries and flies away, beating his wings faster even than my heart is.