I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 46

 I haven't been able to sleep these last few days. Every time I close my eyes, I see Fannar. And, when I open them, I don't see him anymore and it makes my stomach ache and I get angry at myself because this wasn't supposed to happen.

I roll in my bed, my body getting wrapped under the covers. I'm sweating, but if I go over the covers I will cold, so I turn my pillow to rest my face on the cooler side and suck it up.

Iceland is cold.

Ugh! I slam my face on my pillow. Stop it. Stop it. Stop. It.

"Go to bed,'' Julia mutters in her sleep.

I don't even protest that I'm trying.

After a few minutes in silence, I give up and tap on my nightstand to find my phone without having to get up. I find it and open it, squinting my eyes as it's light blinds me a little.

"Ella-Maaaeee!'' Julia groans. "We have a big day tomorrow... Today. Go to bed.''

"Yeah.''

But I don't close my phone. I haven't received any texts from Fannar in the last days. Not since my date with Alex. Maybe I should text him. As a friend. Friends text.

Ella-Mae: Hey! It's totally random but I just realized that I haven't updated you on my date with Alex... It went okay!

I close my phone, but open it every so often just in case Fannar texted me and I didn't hear the notification. After thirty minutes of opening and closing my phone, I give up and roll on the other side of the bed. He's probably sleeping.

*****

My phone vibrates at 9:00 a.m., waking me up from an odd dream in which Julia was chased by a seagull and Alex tries to get rid of it by throwing ice cream at it and yelling "You're not Nemo!''

My phone vibrates again. Julia groans, but doesn't move, and I know she's still asleep. My phone vibrates again.

"SHUT YOUR PHONE!'' Julia roars.

I keep my eyes closed as I grab my phone. I open an eye and see Fannar's name on my screen, blocking the image of my sisters and me on the beach. My second eye opens wide, and I'm suddenly awake.

Fannar: Hey, sorry I didn't answer sooner. But, on my defence, who in his (or her) right mind is awake at 3 a.m.??

Fannar: Sorry, I realized I didn't answer your text... Why was it only okay? Alex said he really liked it. Did he do something?

Fannar: Sorry, you're probably sleeping. I'll stop texting you now... I wouldn't want to wake you up.

It's only when my cheeks start hurting that I realize that I'm beaming.

Ella-Mae: I'll explain everything face to face...

A few seconds later, Fannar answers back.

Fannar: I woke you up?

Ella-Mae: Yup. But it's okay... Julia might kill you, but that's all...

Fannar: It will be my honour to die by hands.

Ella-Mae: Hahahaha!

Julia throws a pillow at me. She misses me, but still.

"HEY!'' I say, still smiling.

"STOP LAUGHING!'' She covers her face with her blanket. "Have some respect. I want to sleep.''

Fannar: When do you want to meet up?

Ella-Mae: The beach? Noon? No, wait! You have a shift, right? How about at five?

Fannar: Great!

Ella-Mae: Wait! Are ex-couples allowed to talk?

Fannar: You forget that we were never really together:)

I know he doesn't mean his words to sting, but it's like I just got kicked in my stomach.

Ella-Mae: See you soon!

Fannar doesn't reply.

*****

Gavin is here. On the beach. No sign of Fannar, just Gavin. Gavin with his blue bathing suit, no shirt. Gavin with his hair blowing in the wind and strong arms. Where is Fannar? I look at my phone. 5:15. Fannar is never late.

Gavin must have heard me gasp because he turns, his eyes narrow when he recognizes me. He smiles awkwardly and waves. I look around. Fannar isn't here. So I smile and wave back.

"Ella-Mae, right?" Gavin says, walking to meet me. He's wearing flip flops that are covered with sand.

"Yup. And you're Gavin."

He nods, visibly pleased that I remembered his name.

It's a little frisky on the boardwalk. There aren't many people on it, it's not late enough. A few restaurants are opened, all the ice cream shops are and most of the tourists' shops. A family of four children and two fathers roll near us on a big bicycle.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. Maybe I should have asked him if he was doing okay or if he's dating Skylar, but I don't. I'm not much for small talk.

"I'm just" ─ he shoves his hands in his front pockets ─ "walking by. I was starving so, well, I was looking for a good churros place. Know any?"

"Ummm... Yeah, actually." I look around. Where is Fannar? I check my phone. No texts. I sigh. "I'll show you."

The good churros place is about thirty minutes away. We small-talk as we walk, about school and summer and the weather. It's not the worst conversation ever.

"This," Gavin says, taking a bite of his Nutella-filled churro, "is the best thing I have ever tasted."

I smile.

"I'm glad."

Gavin takes another bite, his lips tainted in brown. "Are you sure you don't want one?"

"I'm good. But thanks."

Gavin shrugs.

"So..." I start because I can't stand awkward silences. "How's Skylar?"

I have been refraining myself from asking the question all through our walk, but I need to know the answer.

"She's good."

"You're still talking?"

Gavin takes another bite of his churros then walks out of the little shop. He opens the door and holds it open to let me out. We start walking back to where we met, where I was supposed to meet Fannar.

"We talk a bit," Gavin finally answers. "But she's... can I tell you?..." He shakes his head. "Who cares? Anyway... Skylar is trying to get back with Fannar. She actually went to see him today at Shooters."

I stop walking for a split second and I hope Gavin doesn't notice. It's not the fact that Fannar is talking to Skylar that feels like I just got stabbed. It's the fact that he chose her over me. It's like if he's saying that I'm not worth it.

He was supposed to meet me, and he chose Skylar. Which is fine, he can talk to whoever he wants. But he didn't choose me. And all I have ever wanted was for someone to chose me.

"Hey," I call. "Is it okay if I leave you here? I need to ask someone a question."

Gavin hesitates, then smiles and nods. "Sure." He gestures to his half-eaten churros. "It was nice bumping into you."

**********************************

Hey! What did you think of this chapter? I'd love to hear any of your thoughts, suggestions, critics and advice :))

What do you think will happen next?