I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 33

There are far too many people at the Whole Food Market in downtown Miami. Too many people. And I feel it coming. The thing. I need to find out if I'm going crazy. It's like everything around feels blurry but isn't. It's like everything feels like it's going in slow motion but it's not. It's like it feels like it's all pretend, like my brain is imagining all this and yet, I know it's all happening.

"You okay?" Someone asks me putting a hand on my shoulder. Fannar.

"What? Yeah." I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Fannar looks at me intensely. He doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't insist. He makes his way through the crowd of people to the cash register to pay our two plates. Fannar filled his with salads and samosas while I filled mine with chicken and salmon and meats. We're going to share it all on the steps of one of the enormous buildings of the city. People make a whole buzz over New York, but Miami, in my opinion, is better. More modern and more grandiose with the water and the lights and the people.

Too many people.

Breathe, breathe.

"Fannar? I'm not okay." I feel like I'm sweating, but I'm not. It's too hot. And my vision is weird and I know I'm waiting in line to pay but it doesn't feel like I am. "I--I need to go out. Can you pay."

"What? Of course. Of course. Sure." He leaves the line with me and takes me outside.

People are talking all around me. Too many sounds coming from too many people and my ears don't know where to listen, what to listen, what to do, where to look.

"You know what?" Fannar lets go of our two boxes of food and takes me outside. "We can buy some hotdogs from somewhere. Do you want some water? What's wrong?"

I don't know. I don't know.

"Do you want me to call someone."

"No!" I put my hand on his arm. I don't care if it's flirting. For all I know, I might be imagining the whole thing right now. "Don't. It's fine. It happens all the time. I just... I need to be away from people, that's all."

"Is it... It's the thing from the party, right?"

I don't answer, Fannar knows me enough to know he's right. He curses and takes a seat of the stares of a big company's building and gestures me to take a seat next to me.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I let out.

"Nothing's wrong with you." He passes an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him.

"Something is wrong with me. No one I know has ever been though─"

"What are you going through?"

"I have no idea. And I don't know how to explain it. I really don't."

Even if there are fewer people on the streets than in the Whole Food Market, the thing, I can still feel it. This whole conversation, it might not be really happening. I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it is.

"Have you talked about this to anyone else?" Fannar asks.

"No."

"Why not─"

"Because saying it means giving it power. And I don't... I don't want to be crazy."

"You're not crazy."

"What if I am? Huh? What if I'm going crazy?"

I know Fannar doesn't know what to do. He's looking around but he won't find the answer by the passing cars or the strangers talking or the blinding lights of the skyscraper.

"Let's google it," he proposes.

"No. No way. They'll say I'm─ I'm a freak or something."

"But at least you'll know you're not alone."

I cave in. He's looking at me in such a way... It's going away slowly and slowly, the thing.

Fannar takes my silence as a yes and takes out his phone.

"Write down how you feel."

Knowing you're here, but it doesn't feel like it.

Google takes me to a page filled with links on depersonalization and derealization. I know I shouldn't diagnosis myself, but I still click on a website. The first sentence I read is: It's more common than you think.

And, even though I might not even have this... depersonalization and/or derealization ─whatever they are ─ it relaxes me a little.

"You can't assume you have something by reading about it," Fannar warns me.

"You're the one who told me to go on Google."

"Not to diagnose yourself."

"But it's so accurate."

I'm reading testimonies by people on derealization.

"It's like there's a drape in front of me."

"I'm here but I'm not. I'm with you but somewhere else."

This is how I feel.

Fannar grabs the phone.

"You're not getting caught up in this." He gets up and offers me his hands to get up. "You're going to call someone or see a doctor, but you're not going to assume something."

He is so serious at this moment, there isn't even a hint of a smile on his lips.

"You're taking this seriously," I say.

"Of course I am!"

"But I'm fine, I'm─"

"You didn't seem fine." He takes my hands. "If it happens again, promise me you'll come straight to me. Promise."

Something passes in his eyes. Something happens between us. I was looking straight into his eyes, but right it feels like I'm looking into him. And he's afraid.

"I promise."

His shoulders let go of their tightness.

"Good. Now, let's get you home."

He only lets go of my hand when we arrive at his car.