I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 58

Fannar is sitting alone on a white metal-made table in the country club's garden. There are fairy lights everywhere and old lamposts and people walking along the little roads leading up the main entrance, whispering like they have all the time of the world.

Fannar is wearing a grey suit with a light blue bow tie and a light blue rose tugged in his pocket. He's sipping on a flute of champagne I think, but it could also be apple juice. It's weird to see him so focused and serious when I have seen him laugh and smile and wonder.

"Hey," I say from where I stand, near the door leading outside.

Fannar looks up from his glass and it seems as though his smile could have swallowed his entire face when his eyes meet mine. With the fairy lights illuminating the garden like this, it feels like I'm part of a fairytale.

"Hey," Fannar says, tapping on the chair next to him. I take a seat. "The wedding is great."

He is so, so gorgeous.

"Yeah, it really is." I bump my shoulder into his. "Then how come you're here?"

He shrugs. "I needed to think a bit. And the music is really loud... In a good way."

I laugh a little. "Yeah, I understand."

We both look at the window leading to room Melanie and Nia rented for their wedding. Everyone is dancing and holding hands. Everyone is radiating happiness.

"How are you feeling?" Fannar asks. I'm still looking inside, but I can feel his gaze on me. "It must be hard to see your sister start a new life."

I look at him. "Oh yeah. It's terrifying and strange. But I am so happy for her. It's a mix of feelings I've never felt before."

"I get it."

"You always do."

It's only when Fannar's cheeks are tainted with pink that I realize that I spoke out loud.

"Hey," I start again, and Fannar looks up with only his eyes, and I swear it's like he wants to kill me by how amazing he is. "I wanted to, um, I wanted to ─"

Fannar puts a reassuring hand on mine, and a million butterflies irrupt in my stomach. "I know."

"No, you don't." I inhale. "When we were searching for Mel and we talked at the Cheesecake factory... I, um, I felt something. I mean, I started feeling something a long ─ some ─ time ago, but then we talked, and I thought that maybe you did, too? And if you don't it's totally fine," I rush to say. "I mean, I don't expect you to feel anything. Is it clear when I say 'feel'? Because I don't want you to interpret it as something else." I'm talking way too fast, and Fannar is beaming, and I don't know if I should stop, keep going or just kiss him. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I ask.

Fannar nods once. "Yeah. You like me."

I shake my head. Oh God. "I---" I clear my throat. "I love you." Fannar blinks. "Don't worry, I don't expect you to, well, you know. I won't say it again. I just, well, I've always been honest, especially to you. And Alex told me that maybe you liked me too, so I thought that..." I don't complete my sentence. I wait for Fannar to say something, hopefully, that he loves me too. "You make me feel the way people are supposed to feel when they are looking at Northern lights." Fannar smiles. "Could you say something? Please?"

Fannar's face is frozen in place and then, he blinks and it's like his entire face is smiling. He puts a hand on mine and I realize then that I was playing with the bracelet Alex, Sabrina, Fannar and I bought each other a few weeks ago. "I love you, too, Ella-Mae."