I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 44

******* Before you read the next chapter, you have to know a few things:

1. It's not a mandatory chapter,  so it's okay if you get bored or something and skip;

2. The next chapter is actually a letter that Mae wrote to Alex when she liked him. It's actually a love letter I never sent to the guy that inspired the character of Alex. So it might be a little much... I'm aware of it; I can be pretty dramatic :)

3. I hope you'll enjoy, and please feel free to write me if you have any stories of your own; I'd love to hear them! ********

 I found the letter I wrote Alex on my phone.

Dear Alex,

There's not really a right way to say this, and this is my first time saying this, so let's try something new today. (The grammar of this sentence is horrible).

I like you. I liked you. I don't really know how you make me feel anymore. But I'm writing to you this letter more than a year after I last saw you as a therapeutic matter. To just expulse everything I need --- want --- to say. I don't know if you'll ever read this letter. I hope I will once gather enough courage (or stupidity, depending on how you see it) to give it to you, to finally have closure, but I doubt I ever will. Maybe you'd prefer I tell you everything out loud, but I know I won't be able to. I suck at expressing myself. Just writing this letter is starting to get hard. Anyway, all this to say that you made an impression on me in Florida two years ago, and I haven't been able to keep you off my mind.

I bet it doesn't surprise you the way it surprised me when I realized how you made me feel. How could I have developed a crush on someone after a week? I bet it's something you go through every day. You're the kind of guy who could smile at a stranger on the bus and would be running on their mind for a month or two after that. You're unforgettable.

When you left Florida, I didn't know. I didn't know that you didn't only leave me alone but that you left with my heart. I only knew the next day when my entire body missed you. You weren't mine, Alex, but I was yours. It freaked me out. It terrified me. I had never felt this way in my entire life, and to have my stomach ache over a guy I had met six days before? Something wasn't right, but my heart didn't seem to care, for I missed you more and more every day. And I tried getting over you, forgetting you. But it's kind of hard when you were in everything and every place. You were in Sabrina's curse words. You were in your uncle's smile. You were in the room every time someone mentioned in Seattle. You were in every crowd when my eyes would land on a copper-haired boy. You were in tourist shops and mailmen. You were in birthday wishes, 11:11 and shooting stars.

In case you are wondering what is so special about you, let me boost your ego for a paragraph. The thing with you is that you make people feel special. You make them feel appreciated and understood. With my best friends, I know I can be myself. With you, being someone other than myself wasn't even an option. You were witty and smart and kind and you loved people. The way you looked at Sabrina, it will always be engraved in my mind. And I liked your flaws too. It's crazy, really, but I liked when you were annoyed or when you tried to calm down when someone told you what to do. It was amusing and I liked it. Not in a cruel way. I liked how your eyes lit up and how you'd explain something to me without making me feel like I was stupid. I liked how "tough" you acted, but still allowed yourself to care. And yet, even though I've just listed many things that make you a great person, I still don't know what made me... feel something. Bottom line is, I simply liked you.

I think I first knew I'd eventually be screwed when you saved me from a guy checking me out while we were walking one night. We were talking about something I don't remember, and then you whispered to me to come closer to you. I didn't know what was going on, but I trusted you anyway. And, when we were far enough, you told me that a weird guy was staring at us, and that you had "protected" me. I remember feeling safe, I remember being in awe with how easy it was for you to protect me, practically a stranger in your eyes, I remember thinking I wanted to feel this way forever. After that night, everything you did or spoke made my heart do a little cartwheel. Obviously, I denied it at first. You were Sabrina's cousin. You were cool, I was me. You were the type of almost every girl in the world, and I couldn't stand being like all of them. But, oh, you are so much more than I had ever looked for in a guy. You were... you were Alexander Hannah, that's definition enough if you ask me. But being Alexander Hannah meant you could have any girl in the world. With a simple smile, you could make even the strongest girl weak on her knees. You would never choose me. It would be like asking an astronaut to pick its favourite planet and him choosing, like, some random one no one knows about. While I could almost guarantee that no one would ever care for you the way I did, I thought you deserved more than an awkward girl whose greatest assets were to overthink, overlove and overcare. And so I pushed away whatever you made me feel until you left. But then you left, and it's like my heart shattered on the floor and my soul cried out hopelessly that I had let someone so special leave. Because you really are special, Alex. Like no guy --- or person for that matter --- I have ever met. You make people feel wanted, understood, appreciated. Special. And me, who has always tried to make everyone around me feel worth it, for once, felt like I did. I don't even think you realized what you were doing.