Brotherhood - Loki & Thor ♡

35. if I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain

Pain's there for a reason; and that reason is to remind us our limits. It probably isn't a smart idea for Loki to take away his own capability of feeling pain.

Trigger warning for self-harm

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The first pain hit when he was little, but old enough to feel the unpleasant sensation forming in his heart. At such a young age Loki wouldn't know what the feeling was called, but he knew he didn't like it. Not at all. The centre of his first pain was his brother. Not that Thor physically harmed him (Thor would never) but the pain Thor inflicted on poor little Loki was the kind of pain Thor didn't know he was causing it; it wasn't the first time Loki was left behind, forgotten, as Thor went out there for an adventure with Warriors Three and Lady Sif. Since a child Loki was never the one for brute strength but rather a book worm in the library studying magic and spell. The difference brought the spaces between the two brothers, and before they knew it Thor's first choice wasn't Loki anymore but his friends whom Thor hung out with.

Thor loved Loki, that was a fact. Him choosing to spend time with other people didn't mean his brother was replaced. It was merely the difference; Thor knowing it was a bad idea to take Loki out for some hunting or sparring session, and him knowing he could never understand a word Loki spoke every time Loki talked to him about magic (in which it seemed to be the only subject Loki was interested in)

Thor just didn't know his absence was hurting his brother. But it did. And that absence of his was Loki's first pain.

~~~

His second pain wasn't as bad as his first, but it was still bad, and Loki didn't like it.

Because Thor refused to be in the library with him Loki decided to be the one going out there. For Thor.

Thor liked sparring so Loki thought this way he could spend time with Thor like in the good old days. He had been warned, multiply times actually, by his mother and the big brother himself that sparring wasn't... for him. (And Loki knew it wasn't for him, still he was doing it, again, for Thor. It was only that Thor didn't know he was the reason why)

The physical pain of getting rightfully beaten up in the ring wasn't as bad as that pain in his mind when everybody laughed at him as he laid weakly on the dirty ground, bruised and hurt.

Thor was the only person who didn't laugh, but Loki couldn't lie to himself and say he didn't care when all the fingers were pointed at him or when they all shouted how pathetic he was and that he should never have left the library.

Maybe they were right.

On those days it always ended in Loki walking back to his room, shoulders slumped and face fell downward, to heal his wounds, alone because Thor made a promise with his friends he'd meet them at the bar.

~~~

The third pain was caused by his father. Odin's rejection damaged him more than Odin thought it would. At first Loki told himself, disregard how unconvincing the voices in his head sounded, that it was because Thor was older. Thor was older so Thor was always the chosen one to journey, with the king, to other realms whether for business or political purpose. Thor was older so he got to be in the council meeting while Loki waited outside.

Still there was only so much Loki could put up with the demons within him that screamed he was worthless, a nobody. That's why he was never the chosen. No one loved him. Those demons, they won in the end.

Loki remembered the first time he deliberately cut himself, it was when Thor traveled with Odin to Vanaheim; the trip he, as always, wasn't allowed to join. He remembered locking himself in the bathroom, crying, hugging himself on the floor in the corner. He wanted it to stop; the demons within him that kept assaulting him with their hurtful words. He wanted anything, anything, to distract him from the pain in his heart. Loki didn't realise he was doing it when he summoned a dagger in one hand and slowly, unconsciously brought it against the pale skin of his bony wrist. Do it, whispered the demons, do it you worthless piece of shit. No one cares. Loki hissed when the blade started biting into his skin, blood sipping out of the cut dripping down to the tile. He would have to clean it afterward, but for now, he was too tempted to do anything except push the blade down deeper, drawing more blood. Oh he was bleeding faster now, and it was starting to get real messy. Still all that was in Loki's head was that he liked it. It hurt, but at least it made him momentary forget about his other problems. At least, for the moment being, cutting himself helped.