𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 & 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 | WinterSpider | [𝟏] ✔

𝐕𝐈𝐈𝐈. 𝐈 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔, 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒

Я ЛЮБЛЮ ТЕБЯ НАВСЕГДА И ВСЕГДА

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AT THE BEGINNING.
(just skip your little self to the second part of this chapter.)

PETER COULDN'T HEAR THE CALLING OF HIS NAME AS HE RAN AWAY. His thoughts were too loud.

He hated everything. How was she still alive? Why did she have to come up to him on the amazing day he was having? Why couldn't he just be normal? Why did Hydra choose him to experiment on and kidnap? Why was he still alive after everything? Was it just to suffer for what he had done? 

"Peter!" Bucky called again. He grabbed Peter's arm stopping him.

"Leave me alone!" Peter yelled at him trying to pull away, but Bucky held on. Peter stopped once he realized that Bucky wasn't going to let go. After a while, Peter finally calmed down, and Bucky hugged him. Peter tried to speak but he couldn't get any words out

"Shhh... We can talk about it at my place," Bucky said as he slowly walked the crying Peter back to his car. Peter clung to Bucky as they walked to the car. Peter was fighting with himself. Part of him wanted to run. He wanted to hide away and forget everything amazing he had experienced in the last two months. After all, he didn't deserve any of it.

Peter curled into himself not bothering with the seatbelt. He cried softly. He had been doing so well. He had managed to sleep... more often than before at least... He was happy whenever he was around Bucky but now was a completely different story. 

He felt as if the darkness that had been surrounding him since that day on the roof had finally swallowed him whole. The weight on his shoulders was so heavy that he felt like he couldn't breathe even though there was nothing physically stopping him. He felt defeated and just wanted to give up. He was tired of the pain, and all he wanted was to be done with it. It was exhausting him more than the lack of sleep.

But, he hurt people, and he deserved every miserable second of his life. He didn't deserve any good.

<><><><><><>

BUCKY CARRIED PETER INTO HIS HOUSE WHILE PETER HELD ONTO HIM AS IF HE WOULD DISAPPEAR. Bucky sat down on the couch while Peter kept his legs wrapped around the taller's waist and his head buried in his neck like a shy toddler. Bucky rubbed Peter's back as he cried.

It took a while of Peter crying for him to calm down.

The truth was, he hated the way he was crying. He hated crying at all, but especially in front of people. He cried himself out, but he felt no better. He still felt like he couldn't breathe and he still felt like he could cry for another half hour if he thought about the wrong thing.

It made him feel fragile and he hated it. He was supposed to be a stone-cold ex-assassin, not this crying mess in his... whatever Bucky wanted to be after this' arms. If anything, he felt like he was numbed. He was numb but he could burst into tears at any moment. It made absolutely no sense, but it's how he felt.

"Are you okay, Peter?" Bucky asked softly.

"I'm surviving," Peter said blankly as he pulled his head from Bucky's neck. He swallowed and began picking at his fingers before talking again, "That girl... Her name is Mary... Mary J-something. I dated her in high school... at least I think I did. I really wasn't sure, but going off of what just happened..." Peter's tears fell down his cheeks, and Bucky wiped them away gently with his thumb.

"It's either she's a really creepy stalker, or you dated her in high school... in either case... it's creepy."

"I don't remember much of anything from before... I get small glimpses of what my life was like... They're usually bad, so I avoid them... Between watching people being blown up, and killing them myself..." Peter sucked in a breath and tried to steady his voice, "I don't really sleep."

Bucky planted a soft kiss on Peter's lips before resting his forehead on Peter's, "They weren't your fault," Bucky said as he looked Peter in the eyes. Peter could see how he had to convince himself of the same thing, "Hydra wipes you so much that you don't know which way is up, and they torture the shit out of you the minute you figure it out. Then they wipe you again. It's a never-ending circle that you can't get out of until your out. and even after you're out, you're constantly watching over your shoulder and hiding to make sure you don't go back."

"They never take us alive again," Peter said as he held out his pinky for Bucky to take.

"Never again," Bucky said as he took Peter's finger, "But only as a last option," Bucky said and Peter could tell how much he meant it. Bucky pressed a soft kiss to Peter's knuckles.

"I love you, James," Peter didn't mean to say it out loud, but he did. They had only been official boyfriends for a few hours, granted they were going on dates and making out for the last two months. Not only did Peter probably just scare the shit out of Bucky, Bucky probably didn't feel the same way. Peter was terrified he just screwed up the only good thing in his life.

It was silent for a moment. Peter was terrified as he waited for Bucky to say something. He really thought he messed up.

"I love you, Peter," Bucky responded.

Peter released a breath he did not know he was holding and he kissed Bucky. It was slow and passionate. There was no lust, just love.

Peter then broke away and buried his head in Bucky's neck. He was both exhausted and in need of cuddles.

"Want to go to my bed to take a nap?" Bucky asked.

"Only if you carry me," Peter said as he tightened his grip on Bucky and snuggled closer to him.

"Okay," Bucky said as he stood up. peter squealed slightly and really tightened his hold on his boyfriend as he was carried to Bucky's bedroom.

So four updates in one day, and I would continue if I didn't have school tomorrow (screw it I'll probably begin working on the next chapter anyway because I've missed my babies).