Sanctuary [Poetry]

xix

Sometimes, I forget that I am alive. There are days that I will find myself stopping for a while, realizing I'm breathing like a normal person—like, right now.

I seek silence in the middle of silence, and chaos, and tranquility. It's kind of confusing to still feel troubled no matter where I go. No matter how much I run away from reality.

A few hours ago I went alone by myself. I ate ice cream with cookies 'n cream and chocolate syrup as toppings. The place was cold and so were my lips. I stared at the people around me, all were nothing but busy. All have someone as company but I chose myself, and a phone I wasn't using that time, and my ocean blue wallet with barely a five hundred in it.

The area was somehow at peace, with a Korean song playing as the music background which I think was Fake Love by BTS. For some reason, I forgot there was noise while I stayed still at the corner of the store. There were many chairs available but I chose to be alone, with a charging station at my left and the door close to my right side just in case I wanted a way out.

I guess it was serene for some, but still, I felt everything was crowded and noisy. I couldn't breathe. Not literally, but my soul was suffocating.

I've gone out as soon as I finished my ice cream. It was sweet but I felt no thirstiness. I used the stairs instead of the escalator. I felt like I wanted to walk for awhile, if only I didn't have my responsibility that time.

I was at the third floor. The whole place was open and there were benches available. A table even, with soft big pillows to sit in. I forgot what it's called. I sat for a while, then decided to lean on the railing—staring at the darkened sky. It looked plain, maybe because it was about to rain. There were a pile of cars below and the traffic light was green when I checked it. People were crossing the road.

Once again I busied myself with the sky, occasionally checking the time so I won't be late. My mind, honestly, could only to think of how noisy that time was despite of being isolated. Well, the world was always in chaos. I wanted to scream and cry, for what reason, I didn't know. I scratched my wrist for a bit. I didn't have any scissor or cutter in me but I tried the edge of the key of my locker. Nothing happened.

I was disappointed that I wasn't hurt.

I was feeling numb that moment while having that urge of wanting to be deaf or like I wasn't existing. My mind was that darkened sky—wide and empty with clouds, or maybe there were, but in hiding.

When I was finished, my mood changed.

25Jun2019