Now im living

17. Facing Reality

Spov

it's my third day alone in this massive house. i only have the dogs comfort. i can't be alone. to distract me iv'e done some videos, got some work done. but it's not enough. i'm breaking just like cari told me from the beginning. and she's right she always is. i grab my keys and leave. once i got there i just waited. thirty minutes later i see my sister. she notices me. once i go up to her i give her the tightest hug i can give her. "finally you got a glimpse of sunlight." she jokes. "well i can be able to forgive myself i f i don't come to say good bye to my sister." i tell her. "well i'm glad you came. i thought it would take you even more." she says looking at my eyes. "honestly i did too. but i cab't be like this. did you know sam is afraid of me." i ask her and she doesn't speak. "you did..i need to change." "you do for both of them, they love you so much but you pulling away." "how, i've tried so many times. and i feel like it's my fault." "what are you talking about." "it's my fault that cammie is dead." "no shan-" "it was if i would've payed her more attention, she would be here still." "shan stop! stop. your not sad about this, you feel guilty. but it's not your fault. everything happens for a reason." that got me good. "thats what she used to believe, you too. don't be like this you know she never told you. you were there for her. ten years..from the beginning. she changed you, she was a great person but it's not your fault. it's no ones once you realize it you will change." she says as her flight is called. "i have to go." "i love you sis." "i love you too..see you in a few years." she says.

i left the airport and went to see my other sister. i knock on the door and stevie answers. "Dracula finally came out." she says opening her arms. "how are you." i ask her. "honestly i've been better, she can't finish her song." she says " she'll gat it. and i'm actually here to see her." she motions her hands to come in. i get in and head to ally's studio. i hear laughing. i smile at the sound of her joy. i knock. "come in." i hear and i enter, "Dracula fin-" "i already made that joke." we hear from downs stairs making me laugh. i come in and see sam smiling at me. i smile back. she runs and i pick her up. "hi baby." "hi mom." "can i talk to auntie ally." i ask her and she leaves the room. "now you wanna talk." "i went to see kara before she left." "and " "you're right. you all are. i have to move on like cam said.. but i just can't i feel guilty." i blurt out. "guilty for what.. cammie's death." she says and i nod. "why didn't you say anything." "cuz i'm scared." "scared of what." "scared that people leave. in any way. that i'm pushing everyone away for a reason that i don't know if it's true or not." i fully crying now "you, i assure you. that you are not responsible of cammie's death. it's not your fault. and if you wanna get better you have to let go of her, this unnecessary guilt is consuming you. you couldn't do anything, she never said anything. and you couldn't prevent that." she hugs me and the door opens reveling cari's presence. she comes towards us and rubs her hand on my back. i pull away from ally and hug my girlfriend. "i'm sorry i'm so so sorry, i never should have pushed you away." i cry in her neck. " it's ok it's not your fault. before i came in i heard you. it's not your fault either." i try to stable my breath. and i do so. "can you come back." i whisper. she nods.

we're at home and i decided to do what everyone told me. move on, let go of the past. i put everything in a box and store them in the garage. i went to cam and i's room. i was about to get a picture of her and me at the drive in, but she stops me. she says. "she is part of you. of who you are." she grabs it from my hands and i follow her. she enters our room and places the picture on the night stand. how i love this woman. i hug her from behind and she turns around wrapping her arms around my neck. "i love you." i tell her. "i love you more." she kisses me fiercely. when we pull away i look at her eyes. how they mesmerize me all the time. i take in all her facial features. i trace my thumb on her bottom lip. " you make me fall in love with you every day." "i can say the same thing about you." i push her against the wall. kissing and sucking on her neck. "babe sam is in the next room." she says worriedly "don't worry she's playing with her toys and she's gonna take a nap." i tell her and she nods taking my shirt off, throwing it across the room. i do the same with hers and she pushes me towards the bed and straddles me. kissing my neck unbuttoning my pants. when my pants are off i turn us over and start kissing her chest. taking of her bra and proceeding to taking her pants off. i look at her and my breath goes away. "your beautiful." i tell her and kiss her lips.