It's A Long Ride Home, I'm Afraid. {Camren} ✔️

~{31}~

The past several months of my life had probably been the most dynamic yet.

Looking at it all collectively, I'd already come so far from where I'd begun.

To think that there was a point in time where I was practically wasting my life away in New York City was totally foreign to me now.

My life has definitely changed, and it's all thanks to Lauren.

While I was in my anesthesia induced sleep, I had a lot of time to really rethink everything that had happened.

What did I do to deserve everything my girlfriend had given me?

Why did I deserve it?

I always thought I was right in everything I'd ever done.

But looking back, I realized that I hurt a lot of people with some of the decisions I've made. Sometimes I had poor judgment, other times I acted out of pure greed and want.

There are things I wish I could've taken back.

Some people don't believe in having regrets, but the truth is they help us learn from our mistakes.

These are the things we think about at the most interesting of times.

I was possibly about to die, and yet here I was contemplating my entire life. You don't consider the decisions you've made until you're face to face with all of them at once.

I was being overwhelmed by the things that I felt I could've done better.

For my whole life, I hid my sickle cell anemia from my friends, and anyone that wasn't family.

I'd sneak out of rooms, take some pills if I needed them, and I tried to act like I wasn't sick.

Sometimes, the anemia exhausted me.

There would be moments where my healthy red blood cell count was low, and it would always make me feel incredibly nauseous.

As I laid there on that hospital bed in comfortable darkness, an overwhelming feeling of calm rushed over me.

Nothing worth it is ever easy. I told myself.

Life isn't easy, but it's definitely worth it.

At some point in my sleep, I began to dream about the past.

The things that were good, and the things that still haunt me to this day.

"Your mom didn't die cause she was sick, she died cause she wanted to get away from you." A familiar voice echoed from inside my head.

A younger me was furious.

"And what the hell do you know?!"

If there was a downside to being alone inside your conscience, this was it.

The moments of my life passed by me as if they were a part of some highlight reel.

I saw and remembered everything.

"My mom said she'll have a dance with you. Even though it's supposed to be a mother-daughter dance, we can definitely make an exception. You should wait to dance with your dad for the father-daughter dance!"

I tried to shut my eyes. I needed to stop these memories from tormenting me. But weren't they already closed?

"You think you're tough shit but the truth is you'll never fucking amount to anything!"