Fluctuate - Van McCann

5

I star at Van. "What do you want to talk about?" I ask, sourly. It's stupid of me to get worked up over a boy, but I did anyway.

"You," Van says back, a hint of aggression in his voice.

I hesitate before shaking my head. "I don't want to. Sorry," I say and begin to close the door. There was nothing I had to explain to Van.

Van prevents the door from shutting by holding his hand on it. "I'm not leaving you alone until we talk," he says.

"I have nothing to say to you," I say quietly. "Go away." I continue trying to shut the door, but even with only one arm, Van was stronger than me.

"Peyton," Van starts. "Give me five minutes." He moves his foot in between the door frame so I wouldn't be able to shut the door.

I sigh and back away. "Five minutes," I say and sit on my bed.

Van nods his head and walks further into my dorm, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "I don't even know what I did," he states. I could sense a hint of annoyance in his voice but I don't know if that was because he was upset with himself or me.

"Yes, you do," I say, bluntly.

"Will you tell me? I'm actually not sure what I did," Van says, acting like he didn't know what he has done.

"If you're going to waste my time and your time pretending you don't know, you might as well leave," I say and cross my arms. Now I was annoyed.

"Christ, Peyton! Just explain, would you?" He exclaims, running his hands through his hair.

"You have a girlfriend!" I yell, turning to look at him, my eyes beginning to water.

Van looks over at me with a shocked expression. "What are you talking about?" He asks, loudly and confused. "What are you talking about, Peyton?" He repeats the same questions, this time quietly and covering his face with his hands, looking and sounding distressed.

"What are you trying to do?" I ask, holding back my tears. "Are you trying to lead me on or something? Is that what last night was about?" My voice sounded hurt and angry.

"Lead you on?" Van questions and shakes his head. "I don't know who you think I'm dating, but I'm not. I'm not dating anyone and I don't know where you got that from."

"Don't know where I got that from?" I laugh. "Maybe your lock screen of you hugging that girl? Or maybe, Van, maybe it was you kissed that same girl during spin the bottle?"

"Emily? Are you messing with me?" Van looks over at me. He seemed annoyed, and this time I know it's at me, not him. "That's how you play spin the bottle, Peyton," he tells me, matter-of-factly.

"No, it's not. You kiss the person for a second, and then you move on. You don't act like you're having a full on make out session," I tell him and cross my arms.

"God, Peyton. So what? I know Emily. Maybe I kissed her for a second longer than someone else did. Who cares?" Van says, not knowing how hurtful that was for me to watch.

"I do," I mumble. There is a small possibility that I could have been overreacting, but I don't want to think about that right now.

"Emily and I dated for the last two years of high school and we broke up, but remained good friends. I'm not dating her and I never will in the future. Is that what you want to hear?" Van says.

I don't say anything. How can he still be friends with his ex? That only happens in movies. I look down at my fingers and pretend to distract myself.

We sit for a few seconds in silence and I begin to feel bad about how I have been acting. It's not like we are dating or anything. He should be allowed to kiss whoever he wants.

"Come find me when you want to talk," Van sighs and abruptly exits my dorm. The door shuts behind him, a little too loudly for my liking. I remain sitting on my bed, thinking of what just happened for a couple minutes.

•~~~~~

For the rest of the day I tried to forget about Van by getting myself ready for classes tomorrow. I went to a couple stores just outside of campus and bought a few folders, pens, and notebooks. I even applied for a job as a lifeguard at the school's pool. I used to be a lifeguard over the summers back in Maine, so I was already certified.

I hold my bag with my school supplies in one hand and press the button to the elevator with the other. Sure, it was only one flight to get to my floor, but I might as well use the elevator if it's available.

I hear the elevator ding and the doors open. I walk on and press the second floor button. Someone else walks on and stands on the other side of the elevator. "What floor?" I question since there were only buttons on my side.

"Same as you," the voice says. Immediately, I look over at the person, recognizing the voice. It was Van.

Van doesn't bother to look at me, but I could tell he knew it was me. He was probably still mad about me being upset with him. We wait in silence until the doors open. It felt like we were in there for hours, but it was really only a few seconds.

Van motions with his hands, letting me get off first. I grip the bag tightly in my hand and walk outside, Van following behind. He begins walking away, but I stop him when I say, "Van."

He turns around and looks at me, waiting for me to say something. "Van... I," I start and pause to take a deep breath. I don't know why this is so hard. "I'm sorry... for overreacting," I say quietly, but loud enough for him to be able to hear me.

"Yeah, I'm sorry you overreacted too," he says, after an awkward pause. It looked like he was going to say more, but Benji came out and interrupted our conversation. "Van, hurry with those snacks, would ya?" He asks.

Van nods his head. "Sorry, Benji," he says and turns away from me, walking into his dorm.