Fluctuate - Van McCann

9

"Aw, come on. Why not? I thought we were good," Van says, disappointment evident in his voice.

"I-w-we are," I say quietly. "We're good. That's why I can't go out with you," I whisper.

"You lost me," he says, confused at my logic.

"I don't want to ruin our relationship. I don't want to lose having you in my life," I admit. God, that sounded so cheesy. He probably thinks I hate him or something.

Van stops walking so I do too. I look at him and he looks back at me, his head tilted to the side, looking confused. I try to keep eye contact, but I cowardly move my eyes to stare at the cement sidewalk we were standing on.

"You're telling me that after everything that went on the past couple days, with Emily, means nothing. You seemed to care so much about me having a girlfriend, and now that we finally have a chance, you're just gonna let it go?" Van says. His voice was harsh, but he sounded more hurt than anything.

"Van...I...please don't think of it like that. I'm not 'letting it go.' I just don't feel like it would be a good time for us to be more than friends," I whisper. I kicked a small rock that I was staring at with my shoes and watched as it traveled to the other side of the sidewalk. My reasoning might sound stupid, but I think if Van and I want to have a relationship in the future, we need to hold off right now.

Van doesn't respond to what I told him and we stand there for a minute or two before I look up at him. He looks down at me and I open my mouth to speak, but he starts before I can. "We should hurry to class. It's going to start soon," he mumbles. I nod my head. And begin walking with him, only this time we were farther apart and an awkward silence hung over us.

Van and I arrive at the class a few minutes later. He opens the door for me, and I thank him, but he doesn't say anything after that. We sit down in the back row, me in one seat and Van three seats away from me. Nobody sat between us.

The professor begins his class soon after we get seated. We weren't the last people in the class, but we definitely weren't the first either. There was about twenty other students already seated when we first arrived.

"Hi, I'm Professor Green, as you all probably know if you are literate and can read your schedule," Professor Green introduces himself. It's nice to know that all teachers aren't miserable. Professor Green seems to have a pretty decent sense of humor.

•~~~~~

The class ended at one and everyone rushed to exit the classroom. All we really did today was talk about basic theory after the professor introduced the class and himself. We were told to download a certain music composition program, which I'm assuming most of the students, including myself, already had.

"I'm going to head to the library," Van says as I stand up in the nearly empty classroom. I look at him confused. He doesn't seem like the person to read books and it's not like we got any homework in this class today, other than downloading some stuff.

"Um... there's a few textbooks I need for my next class. I'm going to see if I can get them there," he tells me.

I nod my head, understandingly, still unsure if he was telling the truth, or if he just wanted to get away from me. I couldn't blame him if it was the second one; I had made things pretty awkward between us.

"Oh," I say. "See you around." I grab my pen from off the table and shove it in my backpack before leaving the class. Maybe Van and I shouldn't even me friends. We can't seem to get anything right together.

•~~~~~

Once I arrive back at my dorm, I sit at my desk and open my songwriting book. I've had this book for about two years now and it's almost completely filled up. Writing songs sort of became a second nature thing for me. Whenever I had any emotion I wanted to express, I'd turn to this book.

I jot down a few thoughts for a chorus of a song. It was about a girl who was too afraid of what happens next in her life and how it cause her to not be able to live in the moment. Sound familiar? Then, the door opens and in walks Anna. I can tell by her greeting. "Peyton! Guess what?" She says, excitedly.

"We're going to a party at the dorm house across from us. Bondy's friend from business class invited us," she says. "He said to dress nicely too. It's one of those parties."

"A party? I don't know. I'm kind of tired," I tell her. Usually I wouldn't mind going to a party every now and then, but my last one didn't end up so well and I'm feeling pretty upset about me and Van.

"Oh, come on! It will be fun. Van will be there," she says while wiggling her eyebrows, which makes me laugh.

"Oh, great, Van," I scoff.

Anna's smile fades. "What?" She asks, surprised. "You guys seemed so good this morning. What happened?"

"It's... it's nothing. I just want to sit around and be sad about it," I tell her with a chuckle.

"Fine, don't tell me. But I'm not letting my roommate be a bum. You're coming with me and we're leaving at five," she says. She sits on her bed and tosses her backpack on the floor. "You're going to have a good time. I promise."