Fluctuate - Van McCann

26

Van and I arrive at the classroom at exactly eleven o'clock. That probably didn't make the best impression with Professor Wade, but thankfully there were a few other students behind us.

Rather than having rows, this classroom have tables with a few chairs at each table. Van and I take an empty one and sit next to each other.

A few minutes later, another person walks over to a chair next to Van. "Is this seat taken?" The voice asks. My eyes glance up, recognizing the voice. It was Emily.

"Oh, hey, Emily," Van says. "You're welcome to sit." He pulls the chair out a little for her and I feel a pang of jealousy rush through me. I know it's stupid. He's allowed to speak with his female friends. I'm being overdramatic.

"This is Peyton. I don't know if you've met. She's my girlfriend," Van says. I immediately feel a little better when Van references me as his girlfriend.

"We've met. She's a really sweet girl," Emily smiles at Van. "We have math together with Anna too."

"Oh! You never told me that, Peyton. Sounds like math will actually be fun, yeah?" He says, looking over at me.

"Yeah," I say and give a toothless smile to both of them.

Professor Wade begins speaking, so we all pay attention to her. I hate having Emily here. Especially since Van doesn't know the rude things she was saying about him.

I try my best to pay attention to what was going on, but all I could think about was Van and Emily. Emily was a thousand times prettier than I was. There's no way Van couldn't see that. Sitting next to her probably makes him regret being with me.

I wonder why they did break up. And why are they still such good friends? How many times did they kiss? Did they do the things Van and I do?

God, I need to stop thinking this way. Van and Emily broke up for a reason. And that's why they aren't together right now. He probably has no interest in dating her. They're just friends.

I look over at Van and see Emily whispering something in Van's ear. Van laughs and jokingly rolls his eyes. "Shut up," he whispers with a chuckle.

"Van, I'm not feeling too great. I'm going to go," I say. I was feeling fine, but I couldn't just sit here and watch them.

"Oh no, baby? Can I come with you?" Van asks. He rests his hand on the side of my arm.

"No," I say, maybe a little too harshly. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. "I just... I don't want to miss anything. Can you tell me what we learned later?" Hopefully he'll buy my excuse.

"Yeah, okay. Go rest, darling," Van says and kisses the top of my hand. "I'll see you once class let's out. Thirty minutes. Got it?"

I nod my head and walk off.

•~~~~~

I arrive back at my dorm and jam my key in the door before entering. I see that Anna has moved her stuff, so she must've been home, but she wasn't right now. I kick off my shoes and fall onto my bed. Why did everything have to be so complex?

I pull the blankets over my head and cry. I was overreacting, I know, but I can't help it.

I check my phone a few minutes later and realize it's 12:30. Van was supposed to come here right after class at 12:00. I'm not even sure if I want him here right now, but it hurts that he wouldn't even let me know that he wasn't coming.

Things were going so well with me and Van until class started. Maybe yesterday was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have given in so easily to Van. Maybe he doesn't actually love me.

My thought are interrupted by a knock at the door and then the sound of a door opening. I sit up to see who it was, and, of course, it's Van.

"Hey, baby," he says. "I got you some tea from the diner."

I look down at his hand and see that he is holding a cup in his hand. He hands it to me and sits on the edge of the bed. "Thanks," I say.

"You still feeling bad?" He asks me.

"No... I'm not, Van," I tell him. "I'm feeling fine." I think Van could tell that I was a little 'off.'

"That's good. I was worried," he says, unsure in his words. He opens his mouth to speak again, but I speak before him

"Was last night a-a mistake?" My voice breaks and I look down, feeling ashamed.

"No, no," Van says. He looks concerned now. "Are you feeling like it was?"

I don't say anything as I watch a tear fall from my eye onto the palm of my hand.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Van says. He puts his fingers under my chin and lifts my head up. "Hm? What's going on, Peyton?" His voice sounded so sweet, I almost felt bad for a split second, but then I realized that I'm mad at him and Emily.

"Why did you break up with Emily?" I ask through my sniffles.

"What?" Van asks, shocked. "Is this whole thing out Emily? We're just friends; you know that."

"But why'd you break up? If you're good enough to be friends, why not date?" I say quietly.

"Come on, that's not how it works. You can't blame me for being friends with her. I only want to be in a relationship with you, if that's what you're worried about," Van tries his best to reassure me.

"You think I'm worried about that?" I ask with a slight scoff. I'm not even sure he could hear. "I'm not desperate, Van."

"Woah. I never said you were," Van backs away from me and holds his hands up. "Just tell me what happened, then."

"I don't want to talk to you right now," I whisper. This might be a mistake, sending him away, but I just want to be alone right now.

I watch Van purse his lips. "Alright then," he says and stands up. "Bye, Peyton." He walks out of the dorm room, leaving me alone.