Faking Feelings (Muke)

Ch. 3 - Why Do You Care?

"Mike, what did you do to yourself?" Ashton asks worriedly, grabbing my wrists so he could see the cuts- that could probably just pass as scratches- that were all up both of my arms.

"Nothing" I lie, trying to pull away. I want nothing more for the first school bell to ring... But sadly, I got to school ten minute earlier than normal today.

"Is this because of us?" Calum question.

"Michael, listen to me, we weren't serious about releasing your nudes, what kind of friends would that make us? We just wanted you to go through with the dare" he tells me, dropping my wrists and bringing me in for a hug.

"It's not that" I lie.

"Then what was it?" He asks in confusion, "You had been clean for a whole year".

"I just-" I fall silent, noticing Luke as he makes his way over to his usual seat before pulling his book out and continuing to read it.

"Luke?" Calum asks in confusion.

"N-Nothing-" I mumble, "I just wanted to do this stupid dare".

"So do it" Calum says as if it's the most simple thing to do.

"Have you met him... He is so stubborn!" I groan.

"Then forget it, we will give you an easier dare" Ashton shrugs.

"No!" I almost shout. I clear my throat and continue, "I mean, I want to finish this dare".

"Go for it then" Ashton says in confusion, nodding his head towards Luke.

I take a deep breath and sigh as I make my way over to Luke slowly. He glances up at me and purses his lips together in what I'm guessing is annoyance, before looking back down at his book.

"What do you want?" He asks bitterly.

You, I almost blurt out... No, not like that... Ugh.

"I wanted to talk to you" I say quietly. Luke glances at my arms as I sit down and his face turns pale with worry... But I try to push it out of my head.

"Michael, what happened to your arms?" Luke asks, in the same worrying tone Ashton had before. My heart flutters, knowing Luke cares enough to ask, most kids in this school just brush it off and ignore it.

"N-Nothing" I lie, contemplating getting up and leaving. "You know what, never mind" I say weakly as I pull myself back up.

"Wait" he says, grabbing my arm. I wince slightly and he lets go. "Sorry.. Don't leave" he tells me. I sigh and sit back down. "You don't have to do this to yourself" he says softly, gently touching my arm to turn it over so he could see the cuts better.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and I jump to my feet. "No, you don't understand" I choke out quietly before running off.

"Michael!" I hear Luke call, followed by Ashton & Calum calling out to me as well.

I need to get out of here!

I run straight out of the school, ignoring my phone as it buzzes like crazy in my pocket, and make a mad dash for the park, which was a few blocks away from the school.

I can feel tears slipping from my eyes and running down my cheeks.

Why did Luke have to mention my cuts?! Why couldn't he of just left it like everyone else does?!

Why do I even care?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Stupid Diary,

I need to learn how to control my emotions, seriously, I can't afford to skip anymore days of school because some boy made me cry.

'Some boy', I sound like a pathetic lovesick girl..

I spent my day sitting on a swing at the playground, trying not to cry too hard. Not many people were around, thankfully... But at one point, a group of mothers brought their kids to the playground... So I went and cried in the toilets.

I heard one of the little girls whispering to her mother "Mummy, that boy looks sad". "Maybe he needs a hug" one of the other kids piped up. "Maybe, Hun, but just leave him be" one of the mothers hushed the kids. One kid, though, didn't want to listen to the mothers, "Excuse me! I like your bright red hair!" He shouted across the playground. I looked up and gave him a weak smile and his smile grew as he looked up at his mother "Mummy, I made him smile" he said in excitement.

I feel sorry for the poor mothers though, they looked quite embarrassed over their children's attempt to make a poor guy smile.

Ashton called me at lunch time, and I told him I was at the park and that I would be there until school ended.

He told me to wait for he & Calum and they would take me to get something to eat once they got out of school.

So I waited... And they showed up hours before they should have, because they skipped the rest of the day to hang out with me.

They both wanted to know what Luke had done to me and all I could say was "He actually cared".

Because he did, he cared... He seemed to anyway... He genuinely wanted to know why I'd done it and didn't want me to do it again.

And that made me sad because he shouldn't care about me.

He shouldn't waste his time or his breath or energy on me... I'm not worth it...

I should stop trying get involved with him... I don't even have to anymore... Calum & Ashton said so...

Maybe I'll just give up... Save breaking his heart in the end...

I'm so confused right now..

- Michael x