Faking Feelings (Muke)

Epilogue

*Luke's P.O.V*

"Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, look! She's walking! She's walking!" Ashton says in excitement, and I look up in time to see our 10-month-old daughter take one more step before falling to the ground.

"Yay, Mi-Mi!" I cheer, jumping up from the table and walking across the room to where Ashton was sitting cross-legged on the ground with Mia.

"She's growing up too quickly" Ashton says in awe, watching Mia as she pulls herself back up onto her feet.

"She is" I grin as Mia starts walking towards me, falling into my arms a few seconds later.

"Our beautiful baby girl" Ashton says, shuffling around until he has his arms wrapped around both Mia & I.

"Ours" I grin at him before giving him a kiss. Mia giggles in my lap, drawing our attention back to her.

"Look how far we've come" Ashton says softly, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

It's been five years. Five whole years since Michael & Calum died. If you had asked us five years ago where we would be now, we more than likely would of said dead. Look at us though.

It had taken us a few months to get back on our own two feet after that horrible day. Neither of us went back to school, we dropped out and found ourselves jobs; Ashton works at a music store, I work at a servo down town.

It was just over a year ago that the two of us go married and started renting the flat we are in now. A few months later, we adopted Mia, who was almost two-months-old at the time.

We are happy... Well, as happy as we can get anyway. Not a day goes by when we don't think of Michael & Calum, the loss of them still kills us daily, but we will survive.

Ashton pointed out that he doesn't really think Michael & Calum are really gone though. He thinks their spirits have been with us all along. We only really noticed it a few months ago, we noticed that Mia would stare into thin air and start giggling as if someone was pulling faces at her.

When we started to think about it, there always seemed to be another kind of presence in the room, especially if we were alone, wether it be together or not. But that's only if you believe in that stuff, I guess... Some people don't believe us when we say that Michael & Calum are still here.

A few months after Michael had passed away, I got a visit from his mother. She told me she'd found his diary, that he had been writing in when we were dating (and before as well), writing in it had been orders from his therapist.

She was giving it to me because she thought that I might like to read some of the entries involving me. I was hesitant at first, but curiosity eventually won.

His mum had left a bookmark in the diary where the first entry was about how our relationship started to form. He had mentioned me a dozen times before that spot, which was when we hated each other, and to my surprise, not all of it was bad. A lot of it was him saying things implying he has a crush on me, then arguing with himself that he was being stupid in thinking it.

All of Michael's diary entries started with 'Dear Stupid Diary,' and ended with '- Michael x', which I found extremely adorable.

The first entry I read said "So there's this boy that I've been dared to date... And I'm a horrible person for accepting the dare...". I knew straight away, not just because of the bookmark, that the date was the one Michael had told me about before he died.

The next entry showed how stressed the dare was making him, and also mention that he had to go get the book 'Looking For Alaska' by John Green before the book shop closed... Just so he could get my attention the next day.

A lot of the following entries involved conflicted feelings towards me, a lot of denial, Michael questioning his sexuality because of me, and proof of what I had know from the start- despite the fact that he had said otherwise- Michael had started self-harming again because of me.

Apparently Michael had been shocked and- surprisingly- flattered that I actually cared about the fact that he was hurting himself. Of course I cared, I was- and still am- in love with him. It kills me knowing that he was crying and hurting himself over me.

He had even written an entry about our first date, and it literally started with "He kissed me". I kissed him, and he liked it, he didn't want to, but he did.

My favourite part of that entry was "I remember thinking "No don't kiss me, I'm straight, I don't like boys, don't kiss me, don't kiss me, hurry up and fucking kiss me" then our lips were locked together and I had butterflies in my stomach."

He had also mention that he like the fact that I didn't get annoyed with him that he wasn't talking, instead I just told him about myself and my past. He was right, I wasn't annoyed with him, I liked the fact that he was perfectly content with just listening to me blabber on about shit.

His next three entries went a little like this; "I can't have feelings for him, I have to push him away!"... "Ugh, I'm craving his company"... And "Shit, I'm not as straight as I thought I was. This is bad".

Following posts were a roller coaster of emotions. He had been happy around me, genuinely happy, but when he was alone he would overthink and it was crushing him.

Then a random entry was in all caps and he was so fucking excited because we had sex for the first time that day. I'm not sure if he was more excited over the fact that I was his first or that he had moaned my name so loud that I came right there and then. Either way, he was excited, and it made me laugh.

We officially started dating then and the next few entries were mostly happy, followed by a few worried ones, and then one about the day we got bullied at school, and then... He mentioned being cyber bullied and wanting it all to end.

That's when he tired to jump off the bridge... Then he wrote about how I saved him and he wasn't sure wether or not he was happy about it or not. He also wrote about how I took care of him for the rest of the day, and how much he loved me for it.

There were a couple of entries after that seemed like things were going okay... And then there was his very last entry...

"Dear Stupid Diary,

I feel like I'm going to relapse... Really badly though... I sent Luke a text telling him but I don't think he's awake yet...

I'm kind of scared, I don't know why though... I just have this bad feeling again.... Not a bad feeling like when I wanted to kill myself... But a bad feeling nonetheless...

I just want Luke cuddles :(

- Michael x"

The one morning I sleep in accidentally and he has a breakdown... He didn't want to kill himself, though I already knew that, but he ended up dead anyway.

All he wanted was cuddles from me. Me. And I wasn't there. I got there in time to kiss him one last time, though I didn't know it was going to be the last time.

He wasn't meant to die. I told him I wouldn't let him die. Calum wasn't meant to die either, if we hadn't been in that car, everything would of been fine for him.

We'd gone to see Michael in hospital with his mum. Ashton was driving us home in my car when another car came from absolutely nowhere. I had blacked out, but I don't think it was for very long.

Calum had been the only one not wearing a seatbelt, maybe if he'd been wearing it he... Well... I'll never forget the large pieces of glacé sticking out of his head and chest when I saw him...

"Luke" Ashton says in concern, snapping me back to reality, "I know what you're thinking about".

"I'm sorry" I apologise, biting me lip as I give Mia a hug.

"Don't be sorry, I think about it all the time too" he sighs, "They would want us to move on, to be happy".

"I know" I sigh.

"Luke" he says softly, turning my head to face him, "I love you".

"And I love you, Ashton" I whisper, and he gives me a gentle kiss.