Faking Feelings (Muke)

Ch. 12 - Chasing Cars

"If I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world"

Luke was singling quietly while we lay together in his back yard- we had walked here after school had finished for the day.

I was using his chest as a pillow, and it's my favourite pillow in the whole entire world.

Nothing much happened today; we ate lunch with Calum & Ashton at first break, and hid away in the library for second break, classes were boring, and I'm still mute.

When Luke's finished singing, he falls silent and he just mindlessly plays with my hair.

"I love you, Michael" Luke whispers after a few minutes, "Don't feel stressed to try and say it back though, cause I can already tell you do".

I squeeze him gently and he kisses me on the top of my head.

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Dear Stupid Diary,

Luke told me that he loves me today. I wanted to say I loved him too, but it just wouldn't come out... But he said it was okay because he already knew...

I still want to actually say it to him... But something's stopping me from talking and I hate it.

Ashton said it's the selective mutism thing I have, he said something must be bothering me... But I don't know what...

I'm afraid of a lot of things that are going to happen sometime soon, and some things might not happen at all... But how am I meant to figure out how to fix those fears??

I'm scared of losing Luke, I'm scared of hurting him, I'm scared of my parents changing their mind and disowning me for liking guys, I'm scared of being bullied again, scared of failing all my classes or making a fool of myself in front of the class... And that's just to name a few...

I'm not sure what to do, but it's kind of draining the life out of me..

I just want to be happy... Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so...

Anyway, it's late... I better get to bed...

- Michael x