Kai Smith x Female reader

Chapter Ten

No Promises - Shawn Mendes

"Listen, I'm just doing this because...," I stopped, pausing to think about my words.

"Because why?" Kai asked as we paced down the sidewalk, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his sweater.

I bit my lower lip. "Um. Never mind."

"Babe, if we're gonna be in a happy relationship there's needs to be some honesty. A healthy relationship is based on trust, honey."

"No nicknames, please. I'm not comfortable yet."

"Okay." He smiled sweetly.

Before we had left the cafe, Kai had insisted that we both wear hoodies or hats or something to conceal our identities. We ended up making it to the small clothing booth across the cafe where we had picked up hoodies. His fit him perfectly, hugging his body showing his fit shape. Mine sagged down to the middle of my thighs.

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Listen," I said to him carefully.

"You said listen to me like five seconds ago."

"I know, but I just wanted to say that I don't know what I'm getting into and I don't know if I can actually promise you anything."

"I'm not expecting you to promise me anything." He shrugged, pulling me to the side so no one would bump into me.

"I know. But it's just a trial week like you said. I don't even know what to call it. But all I know is that I'm not sure this will actually go anywhere, so I don't want you to feel disappointed and try to jump off a building again because you're unhappy. I don't want you to be unhappy."

Kai smiled at me. "So you do care about me."

"What? No! I mean-! Okay! Yes, I care about you, but I'd care about anyone who tried to kill themselves."

"So you don't care about me?"

"What? That's not what I'm trying to say! I mean-"

"I'm messing with you."

"Oh...sorry."

"You say sorry too much. You say sorry too much for things that aren't your fault. You shouldn't be sorry for just feeling. You're a human being, it's time you start acting like one."

"Human beings like to apologize, though."

"What're you? Canadian? You're too nice! This is one of the biggest cities in the entire world and no one is gonna apologize for shoving you into a door, even if it's by accident, and have you ever seen someone apologize for beating up another kid?"

I muttered a small no.

"Exactly! So just chill out and make mistakes. Some people already see you as perfect, you don't need to pretend for those who don't."

I scoffed, shrugging my shoulders with a sarcastic grin on my face. "Who could ever take me as perfect?"

Kai looked down at me and smiled, raising an eyebrow.

My smile vanished and I looked into his amber eyes. He smirked at me, and I rolled my eyes.

"Don't even try that with me right now," I said. I looked around. "Where are we even going, anyway?"

Kai shrugged. "Anywhere you want."

"But I don't really have anywhere to go in mind."

"Then we'll just keep walking."

We moved in silence for a bit, passing other people who were carrying on with their own lives. It was weird to think that everyone else had a life of their own. I never really thought about some stranger coming into my life and becoming a bigger part of my life. I had never thought about the private lives of the Ninja, especially Kai. I always thought Kai had a life bigger than my own, worth more than my own, and therefore I never cared enough to even give his a second thought.

I had never stopped to think about the hardships he might've been struggling through because, in my eyes, his life was perfect. He was famous and loved, but I guess he wasn't really. I guess no matter how famous or loved you were, you might not always feel entirely loved.

"Kai?" I said unknowingly.

"Mhm?"

I jumped a little bit when he responded. "Um, you don't have to answer if this makes you uncomfortable, but can I ask you a question?"

"Alright."

"What happened to make you want to kill yourself?"

He hesitated for a moment, biting his lower lip and staring down at his feet. "I wasn't ready for this. I thought that I would be surrounded by popularity and love from people, but I never stopped to think about what would happen if I did something wrong. And of course, my friends didn't come out that good, either. It's natural for fame to get to your head, I guess."

It was almost shocked at how open he was about his feelings. "You seem fine. I mean, you turned out okay. Like, the fame didn't get to your head or anything."

"Oh, it did."

"It did?"

"I got into drugs a few years ago. I was always high."

I had no idea what to say except for a quiet, "Really?"

Kai nodded. "Yeah."

"Um. What...drugs did you do?"

"A bit of coke here and there. There was one night I almost overdosed. I was sent to jail for three months."

"Three months? What'd that do to you? How are you still okay?"

Kai licked his lips. "I'm not really okay, Y/n. I'm just barely living."