𝙍𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙚.
Slowly, the hot droplets caressed my skin, gently going all the way down and leaving wet traces behind. Shivers crawled up my spine, one by one until they were everywhere on my skin. There was joy in the feeling, finally my nerves seemed to find peace.
I couldn't help it, I failed to stop myself from thinking all over again as if it was an old record on replay. I hated how she refused to leave my head, I hated how I couldn't resist it, how every time I feel I'm over it at last, it comes back, stronger than ever. Nothing could get her out of my head, not smoking, not the warmth of the water and the steam that filled the air around me, not even sleeping. She clung to my thoughts as if they were hers to claim.
Some part of me felt too desperate to get her attention, too insistent for her to stay with me, to talk to me and to never go anywhere away from me, yet on the other hand, to feed my conflict, I didn't want to be around her, for I knew the longer I would stay with her, the more violent these torture would grow. But still, I wanted to feel her hand in mine all the time, and I couldn't deny those irresistible urges to kiss her that attack me almost all the time. I was itching to know what was going on with me, to know what mess have I got myself into.
I spent too much time last night going in this very same circle over and over again. Every time I tried to close an eye, every time I tried to shake her off my head, she just stayed there. It felt like voices in my head, constantly murmuring things, things I was too scared to confess to my own self. It was guilt, it was sympathy, it was fear, and it was a strange kind of rush that had me every time I thought about her.
For a moment I felt like screaming, like I needed to scream to numb all these thoughts. I couldn't, I just stayed dead silent. I so desperately wanted to enjoy the silence around me, so eagerly wanted to listen to the water dripping in the shower and to the birds outside the window and to Theo's hushed hums just outside the bathroom, but it was impossible with that loud, crowded head of mine.
I hoped to find some joy and peacefulness in a hot bath, but there was none. I was just all alone, an easy prey from my suddenly hyperactive demons to feast on. I turned off the water, and stood there for a moment letting out a sigh of breathlessness. It was even quieter now, but it didn't make such a big difference.
I grabbed the towel near by, and used it to dry my hair first. Little droplets soaked the cloth of it as they rested there. The hot water that was once soothing became like cubes of ice freezing my naked body. Seeking for warmth, I wrapped the towel around my torso in speed. It didn't help much at all.
As soon as she saw me stepping out of the bathroom, a wide grin made her face shine like sunlight. I swallowed on the lump in my throat, trying to fight away all these thoughts, and offered a fake little smile in return. I was freezing, late October breeze rushed from the window to caress my soaked body. My body shivered like an old washing machine with the rattling of my teeth.
"Damn I'd die for a shower now." She sighed slightly, looking deeply at me as if she was waiting for an answer. But I gave her nothing, I just preferred to walk towards the bed to grab my clothes in silence.
"You better get dressed quickly, don't want you getting sick." She spoke again, for a moment it felt as if she was talking to herself. I only faked another smile over my shoulder, watching her as she disappeared into the bathroom.
**********
The pencil slipped from my grip and landed in the hands of the wet grass. I cursed under my breath, I was already fucked up by the unstoppable waves of thoughts that wouldn't stop crashing in my head, and I was tired and bored and so forlornly I wanted to just disappear. I tried getting myself busy with a stupid sketch and a cigarette but it failed, just everything else. It was funny, how insistent the human mind can be, how it wouldn't let go until everything is sorted, or, in best case scenario, forgotten.
I let the smoke out of me, it was shaky, like glass in an earthquake. It felt as if though I was blowing carefully, to only let out the smoke, and nothing of these thoughts and feelings that I was bottling up in me. I was so pathetic, and even though I was the only one who could see it, I felt exposed.
I bent down to get the pencil, and as soon as I sat straight again, footsteps were heard coming towards me. I lifted my gaze up a little, enough to see Theo making her way to me, with a towel wrapped around her head. She sat down on the chair next to mine, squinting to keep the blinding light out of her forest green eyes. Her skin looked soft as silk, and her body held the scent of roses from the body wash. She was nothing less than divine.
"It's nice out here." She broke the silence, speaking with a smile giving her lips a shape. I took a long, forever lasting breath from my cigarette as I nodded.
"What are you doing?" She asked, setting her gaze on my little sketchbook with curiosity filling her eyes. The smoke clouded every sight in front of me as I blew it out.
"Trying to get myself busy, you know." I replied, I was lucky enough that my voice didn't sound like hesitant bitch, for once I wasn't disappointed in myself.
"Renee," Everything seemed to change, her voice had a hint of mystery within, and her eyes held such a great amount of concern, mixed with signals of the things she prepared herself to say. "Can we have a little talk?"
"Do I look like I'd say no?" I held on to my solitude, yet God knows I was scared of what she has to say.
